my friend the witch doctor

so, after my yoga teaching experience I was in for a treat.
My dad did not have such an amazing day, as I did.
He spent the entire day in the hospital, getting his new "achilles heel" re: groin area scanned and skewed for cancer and bad things. I guess he pee'd some blood and for a prostate cancer 5 year!!! cancer free survivor that was a very stressfull & alarming thing. He had pain and no dr.'s had any answers. I stopped by and teased him that I'd do some reiki to him for free. Never thinking my Republican, conservative, Navy man dad would oblige (this man posted a sign on his geodesic dome home after 9/11 that read "these colors don't run", just saying) . We sat around, I recounted the class, he recounted his hospital visit, had a glass of wine, while he had a slice of pizza and talked some more.
"dad, want me to do reiki to you?"
normally he would laugh.
"OK!!!!" he said. "should we do it in the living room????"
(oh, I think, a skeptic turns a believer??)
"What do I do, do I go on the floor????" he anxiously asks. Many questions follow.
Oh, I think to myself; my Daddy is quite afraid. I can't believe he is open to this!!!
with his elephant knuckle stubby toe's in flip flops he lays on the floor. Places his my sized hands on his heart and waits.
I tell him to not tease me. "Don't pretend you're having a heart attack, or do some hilarious prank", I command.
"I would never" he replies.
As I move my hands along his frame I can feel his heat. He is nervous. Who wouldn't be? I move along his body and hover over his groin. In any other instance, could be kind of weird: A dad and daughter, her magic heated reiki hands hovering over his groin???? It was so simple and pure, It was fine. As I moved away from each part he would declare: "is it supposed to feel hot?? my hand is throbbing!!! my arm is throbbing!!"
yes, dad, it's ok.
I can't breathe. he would declare.
"I cant relax, when I relax I don't breathe"
After 3o mins of him marveling over this I wonder aloud: 'Does "relax" mean "sleep" to you I ask?"
Well, yes. he replies. Doesn't everyone sleep when they want to relax? he asks.
My stepmother and I laugh!!!
I finish and he tells me he feels good.
I am glad.
"Hey dad!" I comment.
"Our song came true!" remembering our old car rides to my mom's"
"my friend the witch doctor he told me what to do.
oo ee a
my friend the witch doctor he told me what to say
ooee a
my friend the witch doctor and this is what he said
he said:
ooooe ooo ahaha ting tang walla wall bing bang
oooo eeee oooo aha ahahaha ting tang walll awallla big bang!!!!"

I am a witch doctor!

who knew

who knew!
Who knew that my favorite yogi's would be aged 10-14??
Yoga: the nightmare years.
Well, I guess I kind of did. But I wasn't sure if I was just being contrary :)
because everyone kept telling me different.

Taught the Girl Scouts at their lock in sleepover @ the YMCA. The first class was so popular that I offered to stick around for an overflow class. Just so no kids would be left out b/c their friend wanted to do whatever else was being offered, or they couldn't decide. I wanted to expose as many as I could to the gift of yoga. There was zumba (which is like a fake salsa dancing), weight lifting (which startled me for their age group!) & some spa room with oatmeal masks and pampering. 2 girls did zumba and the rest signed up for my yoga class. Amazing! there were gigglers and one girl kept trying to hold her friend's hand. But I just went over and moved her mat far enough away.
I know now that I must lay some ground rules about chatter and laughing- but a little is totally understandable. This is out of their comfort zone- at an age when I don't even think their bed is their comfort zone! I led them all in a 30 minute flow, breath work, a bit of sun salutations, standing poses, floor work, and! svasanah oh, the beauty of it! I watched the awkward girls glow and bloom and be into it. It took a bit & there was giggling. But! I took Mary Kaye's advice and said "be so happy that by looking at you, others feel happiness" and they looked at me like I was Mother Theresa. yay! the feedback at the end has become my favorite part! "Do they offer classes like this all the time?" they asked
"is this your career?" how awesome to open their minds to a whole another world of "work"
"I'm always freaking out!!! how did you make me so relaxed???" one adorable, genuine- braced laced sweetheart mused.
or:
"I've like, never been so Relaxed!!!!"
"well, you created this feeling" I told them,
"and there is so much more bliss where that came from!"
:) love love love it!

it's the thought that counts

I've been explaining my mother a lot to my live in boyfriend. He doesn't understand the crazy things she does and doesn't do. It makes him very upset ( I think in some strange mother hen way of trying to protect me or something). It is tiresome explaining the unexplainable to someone who loves you- probably just as much as your mother does.

He asked me last night "if she dies tomorrow will you be sad?"
I paused for a while and said yes, but I think I would be mourning many things. But also celebrating a beautiful life of memories.

Probably seems like a very strange question to pause for a while to answer. But, that's what happens when a parent devolves to being "mentally ill". I know that I would also be mourning the connection I never got to successfully make with her- post elementary school days.

I try to explain to my boyfriend all of the time what an amazing childhood I had with my mom. I compare it to my usually used Michael Jackson analogy.

Do you remember Michael Jackson from Thriller days? YES!!! wasn't he amazing!! he was untouchable. Kind of different, soft spoken. but this was pre- neverland ranch, skin disorder, Captain EO, ALLEGED child molestation charges, Mccauley Caulkin affiliation, and nose jobs.
It really is 2 different people, right? You can't associate the present Michael Jackson with the one of your youth.

That is how I feel about my mom. There are 2 different women in my life. The one who was my best friend growing up, rode bikes with me & was the most Beautiful woman in the world.

Then there is the woman today, I won't divulge the angsty details about what that is like- because it's of no importance. What is important is that even though the actions have changed, the intention is still the same.
I find myself telling my loving boyfriend that "she just doesn't know how to love someone" and yes, that is painfully true.
But, it makes me who I am. And I love who I am. It gives me strength to face the world and trials and pitafalls (I meant to write pit falls but I'm going to stick with pita falls)with a strong sense of self- because I have designed my self in response to this type of "mothering".

The beauty of this entire situation is that when it really comes down to the nitty gritty details- her intention is the same as when she was mothering me in the 80's. She wants the best for me. She loves me like no other. I am her only daughter.
I am a part of her. I learn in her lessons of not loving her self that I must do what is most important for me: to love myself in ways she never could.

Try to apply this thinking to both of your parents. Think of their intention when you recount every mistake they ever made; while parenting- that for some reason you can't let go of. It should fill your heart with the love they meant for you to feel. <3

Point of no return

I never forget what a childhood friend of mine said after he learned to play the drums.
Well, I guess I forgot slightly as this is not a direct quote but more of a general gist:
music is forever changed- it will never be the same.
The breakdown doesn't ruin music- it just takes you to a place where you can't go back to not knowing.

Le Point of no return

And if you are still following me- this is how I feel about the reiki atunement. I've had hives, I've had a cold. I've had dreams and an increase of goosebumps- I usually thought all of my goosebumps just meant I should be a record producer or something (who would get chills when appropriate talent came in..) but I now seem to get them when I am recounting a story that is meaningful, listening to a particular song, more often than ever before.
(no locusts yet, so thats good)

The other thing that is changing with me is:
I really don't feel like drinking alcohol.

The same is true for meat. It's bizarre.

I liked having a couple of glasses of wine, a few beers, or a drink of any kind. I love to stay out late. I love loud music and doing those types of things. I thought I enjoyed the escape. But since the atunement. I'm not deliberately abstaining. I just don't want to.

It feels good. I have complete ownership of the following day & I just feel great. But, it kind of goes back to my sentiment in the very beginning of teacher training: it's lonely at the top.

So, to those of you who consider getting atuned for reiki energetic healing, here is your warning.

You may not like to do the things, you've convinced yourself to like.
You will also probably, start getting up much earlier and really feeling great, most of the time :)

21 cleanse

what kind of cleanse? like a juice cleanse?
no, a sprit cleanse says our teacher.

what in de hell is that? i wonder.
oh, good. I hope I cry!!!!!!!

I love extremes & in betweens. I love grey days, & I super duper love a good rainy week of days. And I don't mind crying.

I'm not emo or angsty, I also love the beach and sun and fun and laughing (like everyone indicates on their social networking profiles) I just LIKE it all. Up down, around, grey area and in between.

The other day I had a bug out.
literally. Convinced that beatrice had flea's (kitten), turned into an idea that there were bed bugs, evolved into a weird dream where I dreamt of a spider - kind of like a black widow but not one, and woke up with spider bites all over me...so I thought.

Fogged, the house, bathed the cat, swept the floor, bought a new bedspread, you know the usual. haha!
But the weird thing was that my partner in sleep had no bites on him. I know, I'm sweet, but I assure you he's sweeter.

Wake up 3 days later. Bites all over my neck & throat. Right side. No, not bites, welts. call dr. go to doctor.

I saw a spider or 2, I think they are spider bites.
They're not spider bites. says my level headed clinical mannered doctor.
hmmm, I think. this must be all in my head (literally)
"are you stressed out? financially?"
uhh, yes??????? resounding I think
Then, she brought it back to my cat. told me I have hives, not bites & gave me a new inhaler and antihistimine.

I call my boyfriend and cry. Nothing crazy just few emotive tears.
I feel tired. slowly better....

Oh my dog. I think. Still not thinking about the cleanse.
Go to work. Co worker says this type of "bleedthrough" happens to her friend when she gets energy work done.
Still don't put it all together.
Throat, communication, right side
I go to my guru
good old louise hay.
Hives, making mountains out of molehills.
right side- masculine energy etc..father. the nina the pinta & the santamaria.


A very important side note would be that from 17-23 I was a shell of myself. Old friends are here to remind me. But people who know me now, would never believe the girl I was throughout those bleak years. I cringe when I think about them, but I know that they serve me my most valuable lessons. I feel like this strange bleed through is redeeming me a tiny bit from years of no communication and bad habits.

hmmm, my affirmation is "i bring peace to all the corners of my life"
I say it over and over at work. I write it on a piece of paper.

I go to yoga this morning.
I remember the 21 day cleanse.

some type of something. something like a pain, past, bad roddy rod piper- ghost of christmas past just jumped out of my neck.
Ahah!

hmmm

can we talk about how since my reiki attunement hot yoga doesn't feel hot?
This evening I went to a class with my favorite partner T or better known as Maroon!
When class was over Alex (instructor) remarked how hot it was and that we should be sure to drink plenty of electrolites etc...
I was thinking to myself how I didn't even feel the heat at all.
The heated class felt....normal?
Maroon also told me that she noticed I wasn't even sweating.

harumph.

next stop energy healing

A flow chart would goes as follows.
meditation begets yoga begets more meditation begets more yoga begets more meditation begets energy healing?

Went to Jene's reiki I workshop this weekend. I am now a certified energy healer. I thought I could only do level I on pets and myself but I can do it to people too. It was really interesting, powerful & poignant. After our atunement I felt like my eyes were polished and widened. LIke a frog or as jene' aptly compared- like a fly.

My periphri feels expanded and pronounced.

I did some work on the symptoms of my asthma before bed and awoke with more breath than usual. I feel like this is similar to when someone learns how to play the drums and music is forever changed. I think my perception is now, forever changed.

My dreams after the initial atunement were more vivid than usual. there was lots of water and the beach and water waves and some interesting people in it. I was in house with window panes and I know it is somewhere someday I will be.
Last night's dream was more specific. But involved sailing and a city where I've never been but ended up in while trying to reach Boston. there were 2 people whom I've been working on forgiveness with in this dream and i am slowly but surely starting to see more and more the true gift in forgiftness forgiveness.

Our atunements didn't go on without a hitch though. When we were doing energy work on our partners I could feel expansive heat from my hands onto my partner. When she did it to me I felt a coolness- like dead space on my head and forehead 1st 2 positions. As she moved along my body the heat picked up and it felt more healing like and hot.

After we were done she started to tell me that she felt intense sadness on my head (where I felt the coolness in her hands). I found this bizarre since I was buzzing happy high that entire day. Like elated. I don't know what she tapped into and was told that we have to be careful what is our own stuff and what is our client's. She went on to say that she saw what she thought of to be me with a bunny and a litte boy with a bowl cut when she touched my leg. I don't know much about that b/c my brother is a5 years younger than me and never had a bowl cut. I also never had a bunny or a stuffed animal for that matter- I was a blankey kind of girl! I know that there is some merit and truth in what she saw and experienced but I dont' see what it is right away. I felt a little bad that she had such an intense experience and know in my heat it wasn't my fault But couldn't help feeling sorry when the emotions stirred in her enough to make her cry afterward. I've had reiki several times and never had that happen before. I had to let go any guilt or sadness for her experience b/c I know it had nothing to do with me. Especially since the beauty of reiki is the flow of it all and how people can't really suck your energy during the process....hmmm. I don't know. Never a dull moment, I suppose.

1st time

wellsa, wellsa wellsa,

So, I taught my first class ever. And it was interesting. I still don't think I'm a yoga teacher. i am more of an "idea lady" I think this experience will bring my mystery non profit into the realm it needs to be- and speaking of that I just got me business cards today!!!! yay!

anyways. Couldn't sleep the night before my class at the United way, But it wasn't the usual nervous feelings I would experience before such an exciting new experience. It was pure adrenaline and pure excitement.

I was shocked that 15+ kids showed up with 5 moms. I wasn't really on board with teaching a mom & kid class but really? what can you do? It's not like I'm some professional. We did animal poses & sun salutations and I modified for the out of shape and for the most part 'overweight moms" who weren't warmed up enough to do the flow that the kids could do with ease. I got them to hang out in savasanah for a bit and still can't believe that I kept them on their mats for 40 minutes!!! Ages for kids ranged from 3-12- so it was a very general yoga experience. I liked it though. It was tough to discipline the 2 crazy little girls (sisters ironically) who were like (owen meaney) "WHY IS EVERYONE SO QUIET???" during savasanah and it wasn even weirder that their mom just ignored them as they climbed all over me and just wouldn't listen, but what can you do. I thought it was a great experience over all. And I am so thankful to have popped my yoga cherry.

I am thankful for Mary Kaye's input during teacher training because I had no expectations- went with the flow and was amazed by the focus and deliberate intention of some of the yogi's.

My two favorite parts were:

I asked one little boy if he was here for the yoga class and he said "ya! I do yoga all the time" and he jumped into a seated pose placed his fingers in a perfect mudra, closed his eyes and in one instance became still. I was so impressed I asked him if he wanted to teach the class but he declined.

The other great lesson was when we were all in pigeon pose (moms in modified) and Smokey the Bear (for real!) walked into the class to say hello i guess? I think it was a good lesson for me to go with the flow. And when dealing with kids- you really never know who might show up!

I survived. And I had fun!

and in the end, the <3 you take is = 2 the <3 you make

Today was the final day of yoga training. Wow. what a great experience. I started the training with nerves, excitement, uncertainty and pure adrenaline! I leave the training with connections, a better flow, more prominent jawline (haha!), and an open heart.

We started the training with words. Sat in a circle and said a word we associated with the training. My first word was endless. I was sucker punched by the reading and felt so open and excited by the possibility of "manifesting" and the power of visualization. This training was great! I still was pretty shaky on the vanilla flow and teaching it to my peers, but I am more than ok with that because I know that I kicked my public speaking qualms in the face just by showing up! We shared so much with one another and it was a beautiful beautiful thing! My rogue/social duality was apparent during the training and that is totally fine by me. I am excited to teach my first yoga family day at the Y/United Way in ct. in 2 weeks!!! I think everyone brought so much to the training and for that I am eternally thankful. I learned that everyone has a story and that we've all been through the meat grinder of failed relationships & family drama! I've learned that 1st impressions are sometimes just that- a 1st of many impressions. I learned that when you do something do it. Do your best and leave it there. Don't replay it over in your head & wish you had done better. You did the best you could in that moment and there is only this moment to learn from .

I think it's funny that my first word was "endless" and my closing word was "beginning". Kind of topsy turvy. But it makes sense to me. In the beginning I was open to the endless possibility and in the end of the training I see it as an opportunity to begin anew! There is so much waiting for us all out there in the universe! thank you for this experience!

chchchchanges...

some things I've noticed since teacher training.

I wear bright colors all of the time. I used to wear black alot.
I spend even more time alone. I already would retreat to my house and exist in my blissful world of books & Beatrice (kitten) but now, with G gone for a bit & not really feeling like drinking or eating out in restaurants- it is wonderful to retreat for a bit.

I sleep better.
I call people and animals "love".
I eat better. Lot's of vegetables, not as much fruit. Water, tea etc....
Hmmm, I 'll take it!

I also don't really feel like I'm connecting with a lot of my social-time friends. But, I guess that's ok. I've been connecting with myself so very much- that I suppose there isn't really time to. the usual suspects are still my numero uno's & 2's. I was giggling to my best friend and to myself that if i was in any other romantic relationship from my past during this training: I would probably have to break up with my boo after this experience. I am super pleased that G is on my level, always has been always will be, & teaches me so much every day! He is my number 1 love (besides myself)! And the poor guy has been sucking down psyllium husk & doing vegetable detox programs that I dream up in my head ever since we learned about those tricks in class!
There is a part of me that wants to tell everyone I know or meet to jump aboard! but I know that people can't jump aboard until they are ready and seek these changes themselves. I am eternally thankful to this experience.

lessons in learning

A few theme's from this weekend were: relationships>mother's>forgiving oneself.

You still here? Heavy. As a former horrible child, participant in unhealthy relationships, number 1 critic to myself, this was relevant to say the very least.

When I went to nyc to participate in Mike Daisey's monologue seminar I started my monologue with "My biggest fear is that when I speak my mother's eulogy, no one will believe I'm sad"

I've come pretty far since then. And I've forgiven my self for a lot. But with the practice of meditation it seems the quest never ends. New thoughts arise and I let them go. Some of my favorite statements from fellow teacher trainee's were loosely along the lines of 'there are 1,000 chances to start over' or you have a "million turns" to turn it all around, or sometimes the "one's who go through the most early on, end up having them most to give", or the cherry on top: "looking back at myself back then is like looking at someone else's life"

Hey fellow yoga trainee's it's official. You are Teacher's.

crazy kids

More than beyond the 1/2 way mark. I begin to prepare for nostalgia (just kidding! I enjoy every moment)

This weekend was kick ass. Mary Kaye, a spung spring of light poured into the room & infectiously entertained us all with her spirit & laughter.
This realm of teaching is something I feel is more in line with my authentic self. Even though, I originally started this with no intention to ever teach..haha, did I mention that?
I had already registered for Karma Kids teacher training in nyc & wasn't sure if it was legit. I was pleased to hear that it was a program that she recommended. I bought 2 of her books, one for kids and the other for teens. Both will blend nicely with my non profit aspirations once training is over.

I haven't really addressed my non profit project in this forum, but I will once the website is launched officially.
My pal designed my logo and it makes me want to scream out with delight and anticipation for this project I created.

We had a pretty intense sutra bowl meditation with Jacqui on sat. I had the strangest thoughts and memories come up during this meditation/yoga practice and in the end it felt good to let it go. It's amazing what your brain allows to come up while you "practice" meditation.

During paper presentations emotions were churning on both days. It was funny b/c (sorry for what I am about to say next) I realized I was more emotional because I was 'dropping eggs' as I like to call it- or as polite people like to say, at a place in my cycle where I was more emotional than usual. There was a lot of talk about failed relationships & rejection. It's amazing how we all really go through the same pain in our own ways. I feel that I can relate to every presenter. And not in that "well, let me tell you about mahself...." kind of way. In a sincere module of compassion & empathy.

I was reading The Anatomy of the Spirit and the author speaks of our emotional experience and how they form our blue print- so to speak for health. I know that for some it is impossible to accept this, but It makes me wonder about the years of depression/self loathing, eating disorders, drug use, to name a few and what they did to me physically. I guess there is no time like the present to proactively treat and suppress those reactions.

The more I write, the more I think I should probably post my paper- that would be a lot easier than regurgitating it all up.
(oops!)

We talked again about the reading- I am learning intense lessons on judgement in every respect, shape and form.

People judge the books, people judge other people, do I judge people who judge the books that I wasn't judging?

it's pretty funny and interesting to think about. I want to work on accepting other people's approaches to the readings, lecturers, etc...Just because I am so open and fluttering around like 12 year old at a sleepover seance doesn't men I am right or crazy- haha. I am so thankful to be receptive to all of the readings- but for some that isn't possible right now.

It doesn't mean I'm crazy and it doesn't mean I'm right.

I guess it's back to Marianne Williamson's quote that "we are not policing the universe"


My recommended order of the readings (in hopes to stave off resistance) would be:
Heart of Yoga
Moving into Stillnes
Deepak Chopra
Marianne Williamson,
Miracles
Louise Hay
Abraham Hicks

It's all not for everyone. But I applaud those who try!

throw in the Sutra's wherever- which I ended up loving in the end...

all roads lead to..

Another awesome weekend breeds a new awesome week.
I learned a lot this weekend. I learned more about my stuff. I was challenged and more than survived.
We had a good weekend of naturapathy & physical teachings which I loved. My cousin has been a holistic N.D. for over 10 years now and my great grandmother, Gi Gi was a christian scientist way before like curing like or hydrotherapy was even remotely accepted. I think this way of life is in my blood. Lisa, my cousin has been mailing me herbs & suggesting remedies for years now- so I am lucky and open to it. A pretty neat commonality or message from the universe is our links to Ecuador. Before lisa met her husband (they are now expecting their first child in august, due date, Gi gi's birthday :) she spent time in Ecuador (she recalls as one of the most favorite times of her life) studying herbs with some famous cancer research lady from vermont. I remember sitting by my mom's pool listening to Lisa tell me how she wanted to sell all of her belongings and move to a cement house by the beach in Ecuador. She also went on to tell me all about her shamanism experiences as I hung on every word..I thought that was pretty cool because I'd always looked up to Lisa since we were kids. Our mothers (sisters) on the other hand, were appauled & horrified by this desire of hers. She ended up meeting her husband and decided to open her practice in Portland so Ecuador has been postponed. Years later I met G, who ironically is from, you guessed it: Ecuador! He and I always talk about using some of his land for a type of resort or language center. But, now I am opening my self to the possibility of a retreat or meditation facet to this project.
I've been researching places for retreats that I could attend when finished with the training and came across this amazing place near Guayquill Ecuador sacred-journey.com - this couple is like a reverse G & I. Ecuadorian female matched with an American male. She is a shaman. Amazing. Anyways, I feel a very strong link to Ecuador in my life- in a larger scheme- bigger than the commonalities between G and Lisa- and I am excited to research it further. Did I mention my 1st roomate in college was from...well, you probably can guess: Ecuador. At that time- I was pretty sheltered and eurocentric in my travel and study and didn't even know where Ecuador was! a horrible testament to public education! haha.

Ok, tangent...Anyways there was some resistance this weekend to our knowledgeable teacher Mary. There was one point where she was clearing her throat over and over, and had to drink water when I thought- holy crap! this is the throat chakra thing taylor was talking about! The resistance of the collective group is actually affecting Mary!
I wanted to give her a hug. and tell her how much I appreciate her participation. I think the resistance to this is normal- I mean we have medical students, atheists, cynics, sports medicine people in the group- it's hard to lose your school of thought. But I feel sorry for the non accepting students- because it is such a wonderful world to venture into.

It makes me even think about the U of Bridgeport's ND program. a thought I've always entertained lightly. I'll meditate on it and see what transpires.

ANy hoot. We capped the weekend off with Jacqui. I really love that one too. It was hard for me though because I was assigned to lead the flow at the very end of the day- to the entire group. It kind of shocked me out of my comfort zone of my group of peers and now friends..but I was thankful for it because now I'm not afraid of that happening anymore- I did it.
It was hard though and the energy was ROUGH!! I had them do lion pose with their tongues out and strong exhales to remove the heated fire of disdain from their eyes!!! haha. But it didn't work. I did my best and can't pick apart what I did. But Jacqui sure did!! hahahahaha! It was with love but it almost made me tear up at the very end. While we were kept there till 9:30 for feedback. It was the same resentful energy from when I led the flow :P
During my flow I was having a hard time with a certain section of the group. They were talking and giggling and it really made me feel unnerved. It was a great lesson- & Jacqui made a beautiful point of how we as teachers can't take anything personally.
We need a strong backbone and a thick skin. Point taken. As we did feedback I got good stuff- everyone liked the lions pose, I said some awkward lines. but that's fine- I did it to this large group that I was very intimidated by!! I am proud of myself. Towards the end of the flow I did something kind of weird. Really feeling the energy that the class had enough a dozen students or so led the flow already- I tried to transition them from gratitude pose towards the front of the room- to warrior II to triangle towards the back of the room. It was bold and pretty audacious. But, I just could feel that people were struggling- with half the room in childs pose & daggers in their eyes. Some feedback from my fellow teacher trainee's was really +. One even told me that he actually thought to himself while in gratitude- "If I were teaching I would shift us to left side triangle- to eliminate the vinyasa & be done" so I'm pleased as punch about that. I know that I was receptive to the energy of the room. I also know that I would never try to lead a group of beginners to do something like that- and my instruction was more than jolty and awkward. Jacqui really wanted to get the lesson across that I should have never done that. And I get it. I didn't intentionally do it- I was just in the moment and that's what I did. I don't regret it. But during feedback I felt like- the reprimands I was receiving like my instruction could have been shaved down a bit. It was really repetitive and was really really harsh. I am sure that my reaction or sensitivity rather, is my own stuff- but I also do think that people have all different learning styles & for me- publicly being scolded for 5 minutes on why I shouldn't have ever dared to try to to that- after a really long day just kind of made me sad. It feels good to get this out so that I may + move forward. I adore the feedback and the teacher who gave it to me, but the lesson was tough love! Something I never really meshed with. And reason # 456 why I would never join the army..I wanted to say- "I just wanted to end the flow, the back room was giggling & talking- I am a really shy public speaker & this was a really hard for me, to lead the ENTIRE group LAST..I would never dream of trying such an awkward transition to a class of beginners..I thought I was "reading"the room" (which after several comments saying that's what they wanted to do- I was) but I couldn't speak, or find my voice or I would cry..I've never taken criticism well (who does really?) & My mom always says I'm too sensitive. It was interesting because last week a student claimed to be "bored with the flow" and made us do all of these icky transitions & she got in trouble too, during her scolding I don't think I was as compassionate as I should've been- especially after experiencing mine..at the end of the session random people came up to me & said I did a good job- but I couldn't really thank them as adamantly as I wished; since I was almost on the verge of tears.I guess it just proves that as a teacher: I need a thicker skin & a stronger backbone. Note to self :)

I went to my car cleared my energy and felt a whole lot better. And now, as I bow with gratitude in my mind I promise it is with no awkward transition to triangle.

love is in the air

no seriously. it is. I can feel it. It's real & it's there.

Yesterday at work everyone was telling me how much they love & appreciate me.
People have been responding to me in different more positive ways.
i don't see any other way for them to.

It all really feels good. I love it.
and it's all because I feel good.

So far, teacher training has been one of the most transformative experiences ever................<3

what in the? astrology

too accurate, hook line & sink me

You might feel as if you need to explain something you did recently, but examine your motives first before you quickly say you're sorry. Of course, an apology is in order if you truly overstepped your bounds. But don't just go through the motions and pretend that you regret your behavior if your intentions were clear. Remember, you are not responsible for how others react to your direct approach.

rome wasn't built in 200 hours (but it was repaired greatly!)

Hmmmm, pause. Hmmmm.
The Universe is trying to teach me something and I think I kind of know what it is...I need to be more tolerant.
ready set go:
An Ode to my part time job. While I work 3 shifts a week at a local bar/music venue/ pub as a server, floor manager and sometimes bartender; I have endured many tests of will and composure. I've always worked in restaurants. I retired from bartending officially, 5 years ago when G & I moved in together. It just didn't make sense to me to work until 3 am on my feet, catering to drunk people, with someone I love waiting for me at home. But, that's just me. I pick up shifts here & there. But I don't need to come home to the birds chirping for $300 a shift. It's also quite hard to be productive the next day when leading a double life. I'm not knocking it! it has provided me with friends, lessons, $$, funny situations etc...but it's just not really for me anymore (though there are times 'in the moment- where dare I say- I enjoy it!! but I would enjoy anything :)

So, Wed-Fri evenings (temporarily thurs too) I work at the restaurant. It's monetarily worth it- but it is taxing on your psyche! & toes. People can be mean. Customers, managers, co workers, etc...Sometimes I think I need to write a packet called server zen to help people who go through this meat grinder. I was a legend at an old job from when I first moved to Cambridge. Story goes: a gentleman found it a royal treat to tell me 'suffice' was a "big word for a waitress". Tired from being on my feet all day and short fused from dealing with meanie's all day- I was faced with the choice: comment or cry. I chose to respond- Fighting the lump in my throat I asked him "with suffice at 7 letters, how did he feel about condescending, was that also a big word, for a waitress like me?" His entire table applauded me. It didn't feel that great to retaliate but it was a better option than crying in the bathroom! haha! them's was the days.

It's rough though. And throughout training I've wished that I didn't have to be in this spot. I know that I don't. But it is something that I know in my heart is not that hard to endure. And a good way to store up some $, while G is home in ct. In the beginning It was pretty rough to come down from yoga and show up on the floor, ready to serve! Funny things would happen- i think the universe's way to tell me to run for the door!!! Little things like my apron straps would just break and my apron would be impossible to tie with shredded straps.
The owner (who is an entry in herself) would say strange comments- spew lies & embellishments that at times were seemingly impossible to ignore. Everyone is kind of angry in a restaurant. They are musicians, artists, dancer's, PHd students, few people work here as there sole gig. So there is a lot of- holier than though behavior...egocentric stuff.

But it's all temporary. It this too shall pass! especially when you apply it to each shift. it really does :)
In a way I adore this side of my life experience. I will never be mean to a customer service employee, I ask the how they are, I am more than considerate & I always tell them right away, don't worry about me or my table- we are not here to trip you up, or run you around. It lightens their evening.

But, this week I've had a new lesson in the restaurant bizz. Since my successful tuning out of the crazy owner- who reminds my of Ursula on the LIttle Mermaid. i've channeled a new lesson. There is a co worker who I can't seem to connect with.
She is sweet but there is a desperation that for some reason i can't get past. I keep trying. I go into the bathroom and breathe. I picture her as child just wanting love and acceptance (well that was easy because the universe presented me with her mother, when they came into dinner the other night!). I don't know what it is, But it's happened before. I think it's a certain kind of desperation. But, I am working on my acceptance levels. It is my job on Thurs. to manage the floor, seat people, trouble shoot, grab drinks, run the show. This is my 2nd week with this particular employee & we do not work well together. She see's me more as her maid, and angrily tells customers to "order through her" and tells me "i'm ruining her flow" i told her this isn't about flow and that it is my job to up sell the tables and essentially increase the checks...I'm not here as her busser, though I am more than happy to clear and bus her tables- i feel that she is threatened by me. I am very efficient and for the most part light hearted at work- I am smiley (and usually chanting affirmations in my head hahaha! but it works)
I finally had to step away and stop helping because the energy was so bad. But, it was bothersome & worst of all- it wasn't even real, and even more worst of all: why do I allow this to bother me?


Eventually she came around and the work situation became more tolerable. But sometimes I feel like the universe is telling my to run from my life from this industry, as it has provided me with much cash but not without sadness or suffering on some minor levels. If I had a dollar for everytime I cried in a bathroom at a restaurant job- I would have financed this entire teacher training- haha, ok, well maybe one $$ installment.

I don't know. I think I need to breathe and check in with my authentic self here. What does this say about me? I am letting her get to me, what about me- do I need to deal with?
You can imagine my surprise when I saw her at prana taking an hour of power on thursday...ok!!! I get it! I need on work on this. It was even harder to hear her explain why she couldn't do certain poses or how she was sore, or how she didn't come to the class for any self reflection, that she just wanted a work out! Ok, I know somehow this interaction will make me a better teacher and person. And I am willing to open my self to it. I'm done putting up the fight. So present it to me, And I am willing to calibrate.

waiting for a miracle...

So, this is typical me. I live in my own blissful bubble. There is no logic. It is alliteration, symbols, you know, whimsical things.

here are some examples of my world:
1. I thought the welcome to Massachusetts sign was a large brown abstract art blob. It wasn't until 2 years ago that I drove by it with my glasses on and realized it is in fact a turkey. Now, considering I have only lived in Boston for 5 years..that's not so bad. But, I grew up in ct & went to college in Western Mass- so this is a lifetime of spacing out on drives & thinking- "oh what a nice brown blob on that huge sign that reads "welcome to Mass" nothing unusual about that (I'm not even going to discuss how long it took me to realize that the Ma Pike signs are adorned with pilgrim hats not squigly lines and shapes...)

2. when asked to find the center of a piece of paper in 10th grade geometry with a ruler or a protractor or something, I decided to fold the paper in half top to bottom and left to right, & made a dot in the center. Yes, I was the most accurate center finder..but the teacher didn't appreciate my approach.

There are more but I forget...so any hoot, I love my world. I was reminded of this when we were in class and everyone kept referencing "miracles" I evidently missed that one book on the syllabus. I was under the impression that everyone was openly talking about actual "miracles" like a very friendly inside joke... I eventually realized there is a book called Miracles. I plan to finish it tonight and plot out my desires/ like it says to. I am excited to do this!!!
I sucked up those books like some kind of crazy bright yellow infomercial cloth-and was looking for my own books to continue this literary journey.

I found a good one called The Spirit of Anatomy about an intuitive doctor that was pretty great.
But I am happy to find this little gem that I missed on the syllabus.

my new favorite thing is to google image themed words for my blog when I don't have a picture in mind. The above one is "beautiful miracle"

Reiki experience

I've been opening my self up to so many new things lately. It really is so amazing.
I went to a free reiki workshop at Open doors in Braintree the other day. It was pretty cool. During class some students seem to get mad or sad during certain meditations. I don't really experience that, I just feel really good and pretty much check out. Or maybe I'm really checking in. WHo knows. My yearning to experience something- good or bad reminds me of being a kid and wanting braces or a cast or something like that to stand out...I am 1/2 kidding because I am also happy that maybe- maybe? I have already worked out some stuck energy prior to practicing these meditations on my own time. When I went to the Reiki room I met a really nice, gentle, informative mom/retired school librarian aged woman who asked me if I wanted her to help with anything in particular. Not really, I thought. I'm just here (again!) for the ride. There was no ailment or emotion I wanted to heal or focus on. I just wanted to experience what it was before I went forward to learn more. I also had heard that the Reiki would go where it was needed no matter what- so what are ya going to do? My entire love affair with the ocean is based on the fact that it is bigger than me- so this is kind of the same thing :)
She set me up on her table and opened her self up to the Reiki. As she placed her hands on me- it just felt good. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to feel this goodness. Taking in what it felt like to have my vibration at such an amazing place. It reminded me of when I was really really young- probably around 4 years old and was at my babysitters house. The sun was shining and I was looking at the linoleum fake 1980's brick kitchen floor and for some reason I felt a warm felling in my little heart & said to myself "this is what love feels like" I've felt it at many other points in my life. But at that particular instance there was color, light, feeling, & a little child's intention to remember this- or catalogue this feeling. It was also an internal love. I felt it within myself. The sun shining probably helped too. As she placed her hands all along my body it felt better and better. At the end she asked me what it felt like for me and I replied with "really good" haha, She said some energy was strong from my feet and that normally she would have intuition about this- but didn't today. I can't think of what that could be- But I did wear fancy heeled booties to work that day so maybe my dogs were barking. Just kidding. I really am proud of myself for allowing my self to open up to these new experiences & not just talk about it.

chakra kahn

Gosh this is just so beautiful!
I can't get enough of this yoga teacher training. I want to devour it, slurp it, inhale it, hug it, kiss it, cherish it, thank it!
And more!

Today was my turn to lead the flow. I did so so much better than before. Progress feels kick ass!
I think it's kind of kismet that G (my honey) is away for this process. Coming home alone, being quiet. Nestled in my bed, loving my self in my skin (my friend says I belong in Argentina because they have a reputation for loving themselves & yes most of the time so do I- so sue me! who knew it was so rare to really enjoy yourself) But training, man- It's kind of like a spa get away without the massages & smell of lavender.
I have to say I wasn't as nervous this time. Well, a bit. But leaps & bounds and then a few yards away from the last time. I need to work on my verbage, sanskrit, walking about & general flow. But I did so much better and it felt so good.

Today we did chakra's with Jacqui. She is a breath of fresh air. Me loves her! I find it amazing what speaks to different people of the class. I love the chakra work, the meditation, the stillness. While when I sit back & observe I hear people say how much they loathe it: I don't relate to that, but I think maybe some of them will eventually open their hearts to the concept a little more. And then again, I can't do a side crow- we all have different strengths.
When we do chakra meditation or flow- my shavasana is hallucinatory (I just got clearance from spell check that- it is a REAl word btw!~yee haw). I actually heard people saying they felt sick from the chakra work today. I think they will feel better tomorrow.
It's hard to wrap your head around- but if you open your heart to it; the experience is undeniable..
I leave my body- trancey non sleep & experience sensations I've never known before.
It's the best. And by far my favorite part. Gone are the days when I would do my shopping list during shavasana (yes, that is true, I really used to do that).
I want meditate all the livelong day
and again am so thankful for this experience.

todays horoscope: uncannily related to previous post

Although others might not mind it when progress slows down today, your frustration can boil over to create additional problems. Upon further analysis, you could discover that the resistance you now face is not circumstantial. You have placed limits on yourself that are based upon old fears or a memory that suddenly resurfaces. Don't push too hard; it could take a while for you to get it right, even if you can let go of the past.

go with the flow

so the Universe is presenting me with some confusing new situations.
As you may recall- my boyfriend is in ct (where we are from) working at the restaurant he owns with his brother.
We decided for him to go back there because he was not enjoying his work life as a pizzeria owner. We sold the pizza place (after many convo's of "this is not where food is going!" led by me). It was long days & icky food. Nothing local- no flair or passion behind the dishes. We are strong and dedicated to our relationship and have been for 5 years now. The longer we are together the more I begin to wonder why we don't just get married- when he emotionally asks me after every wedding we attend :) So, we know in our hearts this temporary distance is nothing more than a blink.
G is a very good chef having worked in nyc and all over. He was slummin' with the pizzeria's up in Boston, of late.
Well, needless to say I was thinking of our mortgage & our superficial concerns when I sent him to ct. But I also wanted him to get back in touch with his family. I wanted this because I knew it was what he truly wanted. His mom, dad & 7 of his 9 brothers and 2 sisters live & work at this ct restaurant. I knew in my heart that the family needed some much needed reparation from his abrubt leaving 5 years ago (Looooong story- he left the family restaurant to start a restaurant with his ex- they split, she got violent, he & I moved to Boston & he left her the restaurant they had just opened- this took me a long time to forgive, since it was his life dream to open this restaurant & she seemed to reap the rewards of a failed relationship by being 'unruly' & crazy- needless to say his family couldn't forgive him either for leaving her the restaurant, as they were never married & she had a very violent past, whew! I wrote a screenplay about this if anyone wants to hear more). Any hoot! His Family & he are back and it is a true joy to see. He is making his favorite cuisine & is looking refreshed & less tired- more & more each day. He is himself again. Sometimes I think the universe- or he, himself was withholding his successes until he repaired the breaks with his family- as they are close bunch! I think he needed to grow on his own. But now I think it's time to return home..
I'm here in Cambridge- working and doing the yoga training. I've been in my own little world of contentment of late- but yesterday was a different kind of day. I visited G for the night- we were working on photo's to make a cook book for his restaurant. He is currently staying at his brothers house in the basement, which in suburbia is more like a garden level downstairs. Sleeping on the floor, temporarily. It is hard to visit. There is no 'place' to stay. I start to think about the idea of moving back home & I am stagnant. I try to figure out what to do with the home I own in Cambridge. That is in an 'upcoming' neighborhood & is such a wonderful little spot. I know that I could sell it and make a profit- or I can wait 2 or 3 years and really move ahead. I could also hold on to it forever as a rental..be careful of your possessions for they can own you..these annoying equations prance thru my mind.

When I am visiting ct, I go so far as to miss the color of the walls of my house in boston- which I know I could recreate any day. I miss my "walking' life of anonymity. I can walk anywhere & easily forget where my car is parked. Something unthinkable in the New Haven Continuum. I always want to say I <3 my pedestrian life, but the dictionary, not literal definition of 'pedestrian' as an adjective is: lacking enchantment with the present, or dull, I think that is hilariously ironic!!! I remember when I first moved here, how I would always say I missed the beach at home. So, I know that when we move we will be beachside- my favorite place to be.
But, I feel restless & unable to make up my mind.
I phoned G once I got back to Cambridge & we were talking about bills, or rather "I" was talking about bills and legal fee's he has coming up for some paperwork. He reminded me that this week he couldn't put his check in our bank account, He needed it for the lawyer. I don't know what happened but I started to cry. Even though I don't mind being here alone (I mean I have the kitten with me:) I felt the pressure of running our house- trying to uproot- working really hard to uphold our 'empire' of home, car- etc...& I started to cry. I just felt a little left flat. I know that worrying about the $ is counter productive and it wasn't that. Part of me feels like that little cry- was like a cleanse. So that I may move forward to the next chapter in our lives- without resentment. It made me realize that it isn't the bill paying that is satisfying. It also made me reflect that maybe I am going against the current- in my staying up here. My goals for my life- have always been to write, be creative with my projects and to one day, be a mom. Pretty Basic. Thankfully now, I have yoga on that list. I think I have the tools to be happy wherever I land.
When it comes down to it, life is pretty easy, if you allow it to be.
I think of us having children & of how happy and rich their family life would be with his clan and mine all round. I think about what do I really identify with in my adult life- and if it's just being 'away' from home then, there is way way way more that I need to acknowledge. I've been meditating for clarity and I can feel progress. But I think what I really need to do is reflect on my attachment- not only to the possession of the actual house- but the self that usually 'returns home' the expected baggage etc...Is it possible to still be me & return to the place I grew up? WHy is anonymity so important to me? WHo or what am I hiding from? I've been myself for years- why is this so threatening...When I know in my heat that I will be happy wherever I land. And most importantly: why isn't there a Prana Studio in New Haven connecticut!!! :)

Feeling good (google image of feeling good)

catch up!

so, where do I begin...

There is a lot going on- but I will first start with today.
Because really? what else matters. I just got home from the howah of powah.
which makes me giggle. I woke up this morning like it was Christmas ready, peppy,
full of excitement to go to an am practice. The 6:15, or the 9:30. I did some work from home and
decided the 9.30 would be better. I drove to the studio. Parked my car. Poured my 25cents in the meter and
NOTHING.
the meter was broken. I was working with about 4 minutes until class & really try not to be late- so I was at a loss.
I have a hunch I am 1 ticket away from a boot- haha! & couldn't risk the timing of the meter maid or meter lad
with a ticket....I sat there. hmmm, why isn't this working? I think. WHy in the world would the universe not want me
to attend this righteous class. I didn't really think much more about it. Wasn't mad or irritated. Just going with the flow.
I went to grab a coffee (oops!) & killed some time with errands I should have done anyways. Knowing fully I would try this again at noon!
The howah of powah and I used to not get along. I used to look at it as yoga blue balls (sorry!)- gearing you up- & leaving you flat! But I took a few with Sue, my 1st ever prana teacher & I saw the light. There is no contest of time...That hour is hard! & I can leave it sometimes, more tired than any 90 minute session.

Ok. Let's try again. This time quarters in my pocket- enough for several broken meters- I park and arrive at the studio.
Class begins. It's everything I need. And "AHA!" I know why I missed the earlier classes,

This particular class was with a teacher I never had before. A nice teacher, knowledgeable, smiley etc...but there was something missing. the class was great but the energy was low low low low low. It was the lesson I needed for my teacher training. At that moment. I have a lower voice. I could very easily fall into that type of sound. I don't want to do that.

Even though my intention is to go through the process of this yoga teacher training & probably use it towards my non profit projects & personal growth- I don't know if i plan to really teach in this setting. I am open to it. But I am not sure.
Through out my life, ever since puberty I have had strange struggles with public speaking. I lost my mo jo so to speak, literally, around 6th grade re: wanting to be the center of attention, and though I've been slowly getting it back through rigorous situations I put my self into to break out of it- old habits die hard or more specifically- old habits die a very slow motion, lingering death.

I've been in writing seminars to break me of this (when I was working on my MFA). I went to a monologue seminar in tribeca with my favorite actor/writer/monologuist Mike Daisy (with a bunch or 'real' actors), which was amazingly terrifying! I've been consciously living my best life over the last few years to be the 'real me'.

The real me who isn't afraid of presenting herself to a crowd. The real me who isn't self conscious. Because usually- most of the time- really seriously: usually, I am not self conscious.
I love working through this "stuff" and I am feeling lighter every day as a result.
I am thankful for this experience and every day is the best lesson!!!

I know who I am- and I need to let that shine, regardless of old habits. I am willing to change :)


I am feeling so great right now. The other day during teacher training we were all sitting around when Jenee was talking about reiki & meditation: the outside world was dark but lit by colorful lights and beams. The windows were fogged with our breath & heat- Outside sounds of 'after it rains- and cars were humming by. And I felt a blanket of pure contentmet.
SO, beautiful that I almost felt like crying- when you do at a wedding. The good kind. Like at the end of the Thorton Wilder Play 'Our Town' When Emily aks if humans ever appreciate their world- while they are in it.
Or for an easier example: when Annie & Daddy Warbucks reunite & tapdance the night away at the carnival.

Infact- I feel this well of contentment & pure joy: right now.

cocooning

Wow this Training really works!
haha! I mean it. My little brother says stuff like that all the time & I scoff at him. He's 25 & he'll say "You know, I'm really growing up" or "I've matured so much" and the old-older sister cynic in me would think "YA RIGHT" show me a person who tells me they've changed & I'll show you miles to go.

But, I think this is true.
I feel change a brewin' And I see it in my life.
I've been renting a room in my home the past month for extra $, while G's been away.
There was this great girl who was going to rent it- and then I got an email from some kid with a golden doodle and I was hypnotized like a Barracuda to a shiny object. The funny thing is I don't really have that "oh my goodness doggie" gene.
But I always thought golden doodle's were cool.
I received his email and it said he had a dog & he was in a bind. I said to myself "if he says golden doodle he's in"
Wait for the email reply: what kind of dog? GOLDENDOODLE. Ok, I think . done.

He moves in. Things start to unfold that are undesirable. His youth becomes apparent. I am no old hen. But I'm 30. Been through college, grad school, real life situations- been on my own since I was thru with my B.A. I've had all types of roommates. I've rented rooms, shared houses, etc. Been there!
So, anyways.
exhibit A.
I'm working at my part time job (another entry entirely!). My phone rings. The kid who rents the room is on the phone, he asks me if he can use an outlet in my room to cut his hair?
huh? there are outlets in his room..why my room? He says his outlets are being used. haha, I think. Those pesty- cemented in outlets, it's so hard to unplug a chord nowadays. But I kindly tell him- I think his own room would suffice for his haircutting.
exhibit B.
He consumes my food & beverages. Ask him nicely to replace: 2 weeks. no replacing...
I could go on- but I'll save this one for last.
3 am Saturday morning. Drunk he invites his friends to sleep over and plugs in a machine to pump up his aerobed...It sounded like machine guns. Not ok.
I go out to the hall and tell him that this isn't ok. And that I don't think I need to remind him that this isn't a dorm.
He tells me his friends are too drunk to take cabs. Hmm, Thats what I thought cabs were for? drunk people.
Any hoot. Go to yoga training the next day. Realize this has to end. I need to give him the facts: this isn't working. We are clearly living different lifestyles. I don't feel that it is my job to teach him how to cohabitate in this type of communal setting. I don't think the respect is there. I am not judging his way of life- I just don't think we work with simpatico.

We talk. I tell him. I remain calm. No confrontation. Tell him he's paid up till April 1st- but I'd like him to find another place by then. Tell him I'm in no way judging him- it's just not a good fit. This feels good. To be Honest, but still compassionate. No digs. No drama. This is the truth. Wow. I ask him to please be respectful for the remaining month.
He seems to register.

The old me would have been a little more harsh. I would have pointed out things that would have hurt his feelings. I would have said that I disagree with how he treats his dog. Caged all day in a dark room. Crying & Whimpering. I would've commented on his lack of knowledge of how to clean or sweep bathrooms or floors. I would've said he blows his nose & clears his throat too much & too loudly. Or, Him telling his poor dog to "shut up" 10x a day is more disruptive than the poor pup.
Those would've been digs.
I would've said them & felt guilty after. That is a horrible way to be. In my willingness to change- I am thankful and dare I say proud with how I handled this strange renter situation.
I am growing! But I still have miles to go......... :)

avocado's my new bff

So, I've been trying my hand at a few things of late.

One is my diet.

For the last 3 days I decided to put my best foot forward and go raw.
Just for 3 days no pressure- no judgement. Just give it a shot.

Avocado's happened to be on sale for 99cents each so I felt like it was a sign to go for it!

I don't have fancy raw food gear like a juicer or a food dehydrator. But I do have a best friend from growing up
who gave me his raw food cook book and I regularly read his blog: rawfoodfrank.wordpress.com

But, I didn't use it. I just spent my days blending avocado's & tomatoes or Kale or carrots in my magic bullet
and gave it a go. I know that there are food pairing no no's with the raw food lifestyle, but Rome wasn't built in a day- so I started with an intention to not mix fruit & vegetables (except when I used coconut water as my base in my smoothies).
I started off with good fats. Almond smoothie's, avocado smoothie's. Upped my Bananna consumption. Kept it on the fatty side- since I was making a major diet change. I wanted to do this for a few reasons. 1. to see how my body would feel. 2. to see if my skin would be happier (as my previous week of cheese & sausage was murder on my face) & 3. well, because I was a vegetarian for 8 years & I knew I could do it!!!

And guess what? I wasn't hungry for one minute. With my regular yoga practice my body was actually getting the proper nourishment it needed & I felt really good.
On Saturday after training I was craving fresh mozzarella: so I got it. No big deal. Ate a little- maybe needed some protein.
I didn't feel like a jerk for doing it. It was just what I wanted at that time.

I think this is going to be a good thing to integrate into my lifestyle. But let's just see how it goes.

beat it!

I cut the last post short because it was the old mindset.

In order to consciously evolve- I need to revamp my synapses!

Yes, there are times during this yoga training where I am going to do very un yoga like things.
i am going to compare my postures, adeptness, reason, form, fitness level.
I am going to think I'm not good enough- or have no business teaching anyone anything about meditation or yoga.


But you know what old mind set?

I am going to let it go.
let it go. it's not here anymore.

This is my personal journey and that is all I could ever dream.

We are all here trying this on for size & it is a blessed experience.

I am thankful.

old habits

I can't do this.


I am realizing a few things about my self today. I've been doing this since I learned how to speak. Some people talk about panic attacks or anxiety. I have to admit that i don't know what that feels like. And if I do, I ignore it. What happens to my is something I will now name "cryxiety". Sometimes i get overwhelmed and when I am trying to make a point- feel like I am going to cry.
It chokes me up and I have done this since i was a kid.

It would happen in school when a teacher would yell at me, or if i didn't know an answer to something. I would get teary and though I tried to fight it- i would just cry. I remember my father would tell me, "you know, your argument would stand more ground if you decided to hold back the tears". Quite funny in hindsight but some unwanted advice at the time. It has always been this way and my sensitivity to the general public is embarrassing and has become a part of me. The opposing force of this anecdote is that I am a highly excitable enthusiastic person. think tigger from winnie the pooh or just imagine an 8 year old boy. a running joke is that my car contains enough sport and activity equipment for a day camp. Volleyball net, soccer balls, tennis rackets, wiffle ball bat, roller blades. there were tiki torches at one time. So what's with all this crying from this seemingly happy active person? Why all of these tears? Where is this sadness brewing and brimming as tears at the most in opportune times.

2 things (which will turn in to a milion)
1. I have a hard time believing in my self...I don't realize this when it is happening. there are other times where I am delusional and over confident. 2. And sometimes I just make up an excuses. My boyfriend lovingly asks me where do I keep all of my excuses- because I seem to have an answer to everything. I have been in the process of shedding these excuses and accepting my self as I am how I am- where I am. they are really just lies that i tell myself (but they are in the vehicle of an explanation to someone else).

I feel some of these flaws coming back during teacher training. Maybe it is the physical and mental exhaustion. Maybe it is the vulnerability of trying something so new- when you feel like you know so little. But these old habits are rearing their argumentative heads.

And now for the excuses:
I hurt my elbow and back at work on Friday. harumph!!!
I was also so sick the last 2 weeks that i have not been my physically fit self.
My boyfriend has been away for the last 2 weeks and i have been partaking in candy bar dinners.
(not the fuel for even a lackadaisical champion).
Though I did learn recently that most heroin addicts enjoy the same type of dinners.
and more:
I worked over 40 hours in from wed-friday at what is supposed to be my part time job. Why? because G gave his 2 weeks notice around thanksgiving from his old job- so that he and his brother could open a new restaurant in newlondon, ct.
There has been a small glitch in the passing of the papers and he hasn't been able to find a job. This is the slow season for my work so, I have been working like a loon. and though I am thankful for this opportunity to work, it's been rough.

Needless to say old habits die hard so I am going to stop right here.

but you do (n't) understand!

oh me oh my. the no internet has really daunted my writing on here. oops. I love how hilarious it is to me- that I don't write anymore without a pen and paper at all- though I do call myself a writer. I will try that this evening. I've actually muttered to myself while stuck at an airport (one of my most favorite things!!! <3) "I wish I could be writing on my laptop right now"- all the while I am sitting pretty with a pen and paper in my purse-that for some reason I wouldn't even consider using..welcome to the future?.)

long story short:
I just shipped my bf to ct. to go work at his restaurant he owns with his brothers. He couldn't find a job up here (after leaving his job to start a new restaurant with his brother- the paperwork was stalled and he needed a temporary job to maintain our household) and all the + thinking and openness to the universe that I could muster wasn't rubbing off on him. I kept telling him take a deep breath, breathe, honey you are wonderful, this is ok. You are talented. Please don't look at your phone waiting it to ring with this desperation. That is not who you are. Where do you want to be? let's picture ourselves there! I could see him- so sad, sullen, when he would inhale I actually heard him stutter his breath. I knew that this was actually hurting him physically now, and not only mentally. His rut was just too sad to observe and it took me away from the excitement I was feeling. I mean, we were passing over a hump or 2 (haha) but it is all good. I know in my heart that everything is better than fine- it is actually great. My openness to the gifts and abundance of the universe have revealed so many gifts. Material and spiritual. Just the other day a friend of G's showed up at our house with a kitchen counter and new sink faucet- while we were in the process of redoing our kitchen. I mean, come on! isn't that amazing? I found a guy selling kitchen cabinets for $20 on craigslist and they are usually $100 used!!.

But besides those material acquisitions, there has been so much more. G and I sat around and worked on the greatest stories together the other night. we were laughing about our childhood experiences. I grew up as a part time only child with a mom- who has the best intentions but continued a life of self rejection ever since my father left her (during her pregnancy). I am sure that was hard for her. And I love her for all that she's done. I remember as a kid being thankful that my dad left her when she was pregnant because that meant 1) I didn't have to blame myself for a divorce, 2) I knew then that they weren't 2 compatible people. How amazing for a kindergartner to not be a victim- when there are so many dramatic catalysts and scape goats presented to us when we discuss "a child of divorce". I went on to become stronger in this stance- always saying "I know that this makes me who I am, & I like myself". Although- puberty muddled up that confidence. I remember my most basic self and what my original inclination's were. And I think that's something beautiful. I am shocked to read in "you can change your life" that my childhood ailments of tubes in my ears from ear infections and having my adenoids removed- had to do with hearing things you don't want to hear, and friction in the home...I mean, give me a break! can you be more accurate??
Any hoot, I had everything. every toy you could ever want. I had so many books that I would issue them out to other kids in the neighborhood as my own library. But I didn't really have anything else. My mom to this day when she gives me a hug- it actually hurts my neck, because she just doesn't love herself..

G, on the other hand has 10 brothers and 2 sisters. He grew up in the jungles of Ecuador and has a mother that is the most loving woman I have ever encountered. He had "nothing" like, his first toy was when he was 10, it was a soccer ball and it popped an hour after he received it. He always tells me that he feels sorry for my toy laden up bringing with stiff hugs. I tell him there is no need! I think it is funny and it provides countess memoir material! I love this about us. I love that we get such a kick out of these stories- and can laugh about them for hours. We decided to start to keep track of his childhood memories and then after we compile all of his- we will book end them with mine.

The differences and the take he has on life is more than inspiration worthy. I think middle school aged kids an adults could get a kick and maybe a lesson or two from these amazing stories.

I was telling G, that I really think he has some chapters to close in his past and that the manner in which he "ran away" from it all when we moved here- well, he just seems to have had quite the trouble moving forward. He carries these old feelings with him- and I see it in his pride and sense of self. I think he is really going to make some progress and open himself up to the love of his amazing family- and begin to love himself once again.

It is also amazing to consider that the Louise Hay book references "ingrown toenails" as an ailment from the inability to "move forward" or feelings if guilt..Because upon our abrupt move to Boston, he was plagued with them. And trust me, it wasn't his shoes because I buy his shoes and they were the right size. He still wears the same shoes and magically has no more ingrown toenails.

Anyways. I am so excited for prana training! I have old fashion ways of thinking coming around my thought processes. LIke, I am not good enough at yoga for this, or I am not fit enough to teach anyone anything. But I know that isn't real. And that there is no judgement in yoga- and this is really just the beginning. If I am enriching myself in this manner just by reading books all by my lonesome I can't begin to wrap my brain & heart & lungs around the excitement and experience that is in store!!

When I read the email about the 10 page paper about which book- I was soooo pumped. Well, I was after all an english major and I was working on my mfa before we bought the house- and this is all I want to talk about right now so, I mean, well, YES!
I can't wait to get started!!!!

Lately I feel like I am about to burst. I feel like I have always known about this. And It is all just making perfected sense. i want to tell everyone " you can feel so great" just approve of yourself! but I know I am kind if annoying and have to refrain!
haha.

For example: my brother is 5'11 & 3/4" he says that his whole life dream as alittle boy was to be 6' tall. I told him, well, Ryan- if you do a consistent yoga practice I've heard and seen people gain almost an inch in their posture and stance. He suffered anxiety and panic as a kid- and channels it now into his ceramics- as an almost 'master' raku artist. He looked excited at first but then told me that if he did that- then he wouldn't be who he was. As he uses this analogy for the 'ho hum, woe is me" nature of his life. He wouldn't know who he would be if he achieved this goal.

well, thankfully he is young yet..and I know that he will love himself enough to get to where he wants to be. I also am learning that I can't do it for him or G. But tell me! why do I feel so much like I can?

fish out of water

oh man! our 'free' internet has kicked the bucket. close proximity living left us with a great high speed connection. But it's gone. Honestly? I think this is a blessing from the universe, as my recent bug and slow work season left me lethargic and snoopy with my habits on the internet.

I am finally feeling better!! and making progress in my internal learning experience. Ripping through the books. reading. re reading. I finally made a class yesterday and it was great. i was able to breathe but did have to leave class during pigeon to get it together.

Last night I went to a launch party for a friends website. It was my first foray out in quite a while. I headed out with $5 to tip the bartender for a water (since I didn't feel like drinking) and prepared to blend in with the revelry. I didn't realize that I have kind of landed out of the loop. I don't drink wed-sat like most of the people my age do. I live with my bf I read a lot at night. I don't like my eating habits when I'm hungover and I've been staying away from the social scene of my past just trusting my gut. And it feels good. I miss the silliness and the connection with friends. But sometimes I feel that it is false and only for the night.
They are what my boyfriend calls "good time friends".
when I arrived at the event i could feel the excitement and all that. And like most 'business' models- my brain has a hard time comprehending the 'necessity' but it was all with good intention- so it wasn't a total bust. I just felt the air of the night to be really negative. I didn't want to judge anyone or anything. I was just taking it in. Everyone drinking drinking drinking. Complaining about jobs, money, even one complaining about "having her period'. I took a breath and tried not to judge anyone for this negativity. and didn't want to beget negativity. I just wanted to be excited. Excited for our friends internet creation- excited for the bands playing music. Excited to see 2 of my favorite pals from cambridge (which they are exempt from all of these generalizations). but the conversations revolved around how many jobs home depot cut today. or when someone's severance would expire. i think i am taking my reading to heart because even though we are going through our own muddy stuff- i am not going to focus on that or acknowledge it as my mindset. I guess i am making some changes and training hasn't even begun to start....
this is really great. i love this. as strange as it is- to not fit in. I think i am learning a lot from this. +

spoon man

so, my bf is a natural meditator. I'm not jealous. because what good would that do. But I seek the same for myself on my own terms. each night we have started to take 15 minutes to clear our minds and breathe together. I think last night was the last night because he came out of it so energized he couldn't sleep and I couldn't focus with him beside me. haha.

well, it was fun while it lasted. He is just amazing at it though. his body will twitch slightly and his breath will go to weird frequencies. (mind you, I'm supposed to be breathing with a clear mind beside him- not observing with awe :'P) he is so connected. And this i always knew. he grew up in the jungle's of ecuador and always has brought new perspectives to my everyday.
this is a man after all who can cure a headache from too much sun - by pulling tiny strands of my hair on the top of my head until it "pops" and as he says in his cute way "gets the sunny out".

I think about my raw food friends and the orgy of fruit they would uncover in his home town. And then I laugh at how he dismisses my organic demands at the grocery store- because in his world nothing was-'not organic". it is a great partnership and everyday is something new. My friends from home and college always find it strange that a book worm, playwright loving, poetry writing, cinefile, dare i say not snob snob?? would find such comfort in a man who asked me just this morning what 'wi-fee" means (with the most earnest concern). I first brushed it off as slang for 'wifey' and then realized he was asking about the laundromat down the street that offers free 'wi-fi". everyday something new. It just works.

So, I asked this meditating natural of a bf of mine. "how are you so good at clearing your mind?" not with resentment, not with
anything other than awe. and he said that you have to have a strong focus. he said he closes his eyes and rides his breath while he follows the little dots in his eyelids. I don't blindly believe that what works for him will work for me. But I am curious as to his approach. He then told me he had a confession to make:

(here we go I thought)
"well, when i was younger i wanted to be a 'super----" (something, a word in spanish that sounds like adoribo). I wanted to be special. I wanted to find power within my brain. ( a child of 12 I am sure he wanted to stand out!) So, I would try to focus my mind on anything. i would try to move paper, bend spoons. I wanted to find that power, so maybe that's why i am able to clear my mind so easily. I spent all those years trying to focus."

so this is too adorable for me to register. i picture his adorable face and demeanor as a young boy- taking the time to focus his thoughts to bend spoons? you know, instead of chasing soccer balls or girls?? so, I ask him, 'how old were you when you did this?'

"oh, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17"

haha. 7 years!!! this was important to him for 7 years??? he later told me that he would sweat he would think so hard. And that one time he almost cried, because he knew he was so close to bending it.

we laughed. and then got ready for bed and I told him. You need to start using this focus for good. I think you can do some wonderful things for your life!

everyday something new.

releases sinus pressure

I started reading 'You can heal Your Life' and I must admit the east coast snark in my less than perfect thoughts of the cover and water colors and pictures and hoopplyadoo. But i really like what she has to say. and i am mesmerized that she (though her name indicates the truth) started Hay Publications which published 'Ask & it is given' wow. there is one readily available point of interest that I picked up right away. & that is this sinus infection of mine. Skimming through the book as i do with all books I am about to read (yes, i used to always read the last page- haha, but I broke myself of that habit). I saw an index of ailments and 'causes". I was reading the first chapter and she mentioned resentment as a cause for most dis-ease. and stresses that we must let go. There are small segments and characters of my life that i intend to release from any resentment or anger- no matter how superficial or deep I once believe their wrongdoing (or my own to be). I love her words "I forgive you for not being the way I wanted you to be, I forgive you and I set you free" Louise Hay is good. that is powerful. In Marianne Williamson's book return to love- she addressed the letting go of anger when she said to "release the anger to the holy spirit" or something to that effect. they are both really hitting home and I am eager to release.

And then wouldn't you know it? I look into the index of ailments and causes and i read that the cause for a sinus infection is: "irritation to someone close". or resentment. what?? are you kidding. I can't believe that is so spot on. Well, without regurgitating what i have already moved forward from. I was irritated at my bf. I was resenting him. I was punishing him in my mind for decisions he made..dun dun dun $$$financially $ that affected us. I laughed aloud and read it to him. And it made sense.

I mean, he also came home with a cold and was sick the week before. and though I fought it for weeks with my neti pot, vitamins, and other secret potions. It landed in my chronic ailment as a sinus infection. i think i need to release some of this resentment. And I already like to think that I have.

confession

oh, and I must confess:
I don't want to finish reading "Ask and It Is Given" ever.

I have only 10 pages or so left and I am ignoring it as it rests on my bookshelf.

Ok. I suppose I can always re read it.

It really lays it out there. Literally. everything.

the potential is there and willingly, I accept it.

Oh my my.

With all respect to having the best outlook I possibly can: I still don't feel so great. My sinus infection is refusing to leave my building and it's not so great. I keep focus on feeling good- or at least the desire to feel good. But my stuffiness is stifling more than my breath.

It is nice though to be still. I have done some background work on some projects I have been putting off- so that feels good.

there! I do feel good!

I read that an exercise that I can try is a to do list of what I need to do and what I would like the Universe to do.

So here it is:
To Do List

For Me:
allow my self to be more organized and neat
open my self to the gifts of the universe
mail my manuscripts with positive intention!
eat healthy
(as you can see I am sick- so there isn't much to do, haha)
paint my story characters...

Things To Do: The Universe:
keep giving me prosperity
publish my writing & books
continue bringing good things to me
help me continue to be my best
allow our dreams of success to come true


I guess that's it for today.

I have lost my appetite with this sickiness- so In a way that's a good thing. I am re calibrating my diet. So, I am excited about that!

practice makes purrfect

my heart is beating and it is the silent equivalent of when my pretty kitty (Beatrice) purrs next to me. Today I tried- alone for the very first time to meditate. I have gone to countless yoga classes and have participated in the last 10 minutes of kind of guided meditation, but only once did I really let go. Maybe I needed to attempt this alone. Maybe I am just a distracted person..don't know. But I set myself down on my bed put on a little sleepy time eye mask (because I know how much I love to break rules :P) and started to breathe.

I don't know how long I did this. And I don't really care. Next time I will set a timer. But for this first time, I wanted no judgement or expectation from myself or the process. I was reading in Ask & it Is Given and i learned that meditation is important because it is the one time where we allow ourselves to be truly open and willing to experience 'relief from resistance". It felt so good. I would lose my 'non focus' so to speak but would continue to breathe in and out. sometimes counting to get my racing thoughts to cease. During the experiment my kitten came over to me ran up and down my body. sat on my chest, sat on my belly, sat inbetween my legs and i think she cleaned herself but i didn't stop to look. yes, it was distracting but i tried to continue. it felt good though, that this little creature was drawn to me in this calm silent non-sleeping state. towards the end of her fascination with me she jumped up my body to my face and just sat on my chest and sniffed my breathing. haha. I was thinking that i wished she would just fall asleep on me and purr- but then i realized i was thinking and got back to my breath. Then she leapt of the bed and scurried out to the other room. next time i will shut the door. I closed my meditation with 3 om's and again she came in and stared at me.

When i finished i felt so good. and i will continue this feeling for the rest of the day. I can't wait to try again tomorrow...or maybe even tonight.

Yes We Can!!!

As a fan of the lower case I find it impossible to type 'yes we can' any way other than "Yes We Can!" It dawned on me this week- that I have become what my younger self would've never imagined me to ever be: numb. The numbness that crept over my limbs and body following Bush's re-elected term was a sneaky one. I never even realized that I was so checked out. Once Kerry lost I think my consciousness really shut off. And I can't believe it. Even in my excitement for a new president with a new focus I didn't fully embrace what that means until today. Although initially I was Hillary's girl, I put my emotional connections to her aside, and saw Obama for what he truly is. An eloquent leader that represents the most + change this country has seen in a real real long time. When I was in Japan last Jan. all the kids were rooting for Obama. And I thought that was so great. He represents so much to me. But the emotional and historical value of this day is unprecedented. A choice and a possibility has been released that I can not pretend to fully understand- as someone who has had every opportunity to education and work undaunted by racism (thus far). It makes me cringe when I see or hear people saying "what's the big deal?" "The race of Obama doesn't mean anything", I think that professed political correctness is false. And we need to be open and revel and bask in the glow that now every little kid can dream as big as they dare dream. e-v-e-r-y- little kid can see themselves as a leader. It is a big deal, because up until now- it never happened before.

the veil has lifted.

Of course, I am still sick and won't be celebrating at any balls or gala's this evening. But this is ok. I can't even go to yoga because try as I may, the breathing thing is sadly, not on my to do list of today. I made a dr. appt. this morning and the only openings were at noon and 12:30, ofcourse I chuckled to myself, no one wants to go to the doctor during the inauguration!! I took the later one hoping Obama would only speak for 20 minutes and perhaps I could listen to the last few minutes in the car on the ride over.

Imagine my pleasure when I saw a tv set up in the waiting room!! what a glorious day!! My doctor saw me with her stethoscope perched over her faded Obama t- shirt. I asked my bf to grab me a nytimes and a boston globe, to save for my "kids" something that when I say aloud is usually welcomed with a chuckle. But I am serious.

I must be taking these books I have been reading for my up coming yoga training to heart because when I saw Bush leaving, when I saw his face, I didn't experience the disdain or loathing I would've as my younger self. I actually felt sorry for him. You would think with all that he has done and not done, leaving us in a "dark aged" equivalent 8 years of science, war with Iraq, broken economy, to name a few...I would be angry. I didn't want to flip him the bird or yell "good riddance". I just hope that he can live with himself and the decisions he made, I wish him peace.

I think the consciousness is going to rise up. I hope this is a catalyst for more + change.

I am excited to be reading "ask and it may be given" and don't think the timing could be better.

I am so open to the positivity that abounds on this special and momentous day!