oh man! our 'free' internet has kicked the bucket. close proximity living left us with a great high speed connection. But it's gone. Honestly? I think this is a blessing from the universe, as my recent bug and slow work season left me lethargic and snoopy with my habits on the internet.
I am finally feeling better!! and making progress in my internal learning experience. Ripping through the books. reading. re reading. I finally made a class yesterday and it was great. i was able to breathe but did have to leave class during pigeon to get it together.
Last night I went to a launch party for a friends website. It was my first foray out in quite a while. I headed out with $5 to tip the bartender for a water (since I didn't feel like drinking) and prepared to blend in with the revelry. I didn't realize that I have kind of landed out of the loop. I don't drink wed-sat like most of the people my age do. I live with my bf I read a lot at night. I don't like my eating habits when I'm hungover and I've been staying away from the social scene of my past just trusting my gut. And it feels good. I miss the silliness and the connection with friends. But sometimes I feel that it is false and only for the night.
They are what my boyfriend calls "good time friends".
when I arrived at the event i could feel the excitement and all that. And like most 'business' models- my brain has a hard time comprehending the 'necessity' but it was all with good intention- so it wasn't a total bust. I just felt the air of the night to be really negative. I didn't want to judge anyone or anything. I was just taking it in. Everyone drinking drinking drinking. Complaining about jobs, money, even one complaining about "having her period'. I took a breath and tried not to judge anyone for this negativity. and didn't want to beget negativity. I just wanted to be excited. Excited for our friends internet creation- excited for the bands playing music. Excited to see 2 of my favorite pals from cambridge (which they are exempt from all of these generalizations). but the conversations revolved around how many jobs home depot cut today. or when someone's severance would expire. i think i am taking my reading to heart because even though we are going through our own muddy stuff- i am not going to focus on that or acknowledge it as my mindset. I guess i am making some changes and training hasn't even begun to start....
this is really great. i love this. as strange as it is- to not fit in. I think i am learning a lot from this. +
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
spoon man
so, my bf is a natural meditator. I'm not jealous. because what good would that do. But I seek the same for myself on my own terms. each night we have started to take 15 minutes to clear our minds and breathe together. I think last night was the last night because he came out of it so energized he couldn't sleep and I couldn't focus with him beside me. haha.
well, it was fun while it lasted. He is just amazing at it though. his body will twitch slightly and his breath will go to weird frequencies. (mind you, I'm supposed to be breathing with a clear mind beside him- not observing with awe :'P) he is so connected. And this i always knew. he grew up in the jungle's of ecuador and always has brought new perspectives to my everyday.
this is a man after all who can cure a headache from too much sun - by pulling tiny strands of my hair on the top of my head until it "pops" and as he says in his cute way "gets the sunny out".
I think about my raw food friends and the orgy of fruit they would uncover in his home town. And then I laugh at how he dismisses my organic demands at the grocery store- because in his world nothing was-'not organic". it is a great partnership and everyday is something new. My friends from home and college always find it strange that a book worm, playwright loving, poetry writing, cinefile, dare i say not snob snob?? would find such comfort in a man who asked me just this morning what 'wi-fee" means (with the most earnest concern). I first brushed it off as slang for 'wifey' and then realized he was asking about the laundromat down the street that offers free 'wi-fi". everyday something new. It just works.
So, I asked this meditating natural of a bf of mine. "how are you so good at clearing your mind?" not with resentment, not with
anything other than awe. and he said that you have to have a strong focus. he said he closes his eyes and rides his breath while he follows the little dots in his eyelids. I don't blindly believe that what works for him will work for me. But I am curious as to his approach. He then told me he had a confession to make:
(here we go I thought)
"well, when i was younger i wanted to be a 'super----" (something, a word in spanish that sounds like adoribo). I wanted to be special. I wanted to find power within my brain. ( a child of 12 I am sure he wanted to stand out!) So, I would try to focus my mind on anything. i would try to move paper, bend spoons. I wanted to find that power, so maybe that's why i am able to clear my mind so easily. I spent all those years trying to focus."
so this is too adorable for me to register. i picture his adorable face and demeanor as a young boy- taking the time to focus his thoughts to bend spoons? you know, instead of chasing soccer balls or girls?? so, I ask him, 'how old were you when you did this?'
"oh, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17"
haha. 7 years!!! this was important to him for 7 years??? he later told me that he would sweat he would think so hard. And that one time he almost cried, because he knew he was so close to bending it.
we laughed. and then got ready for bed and I told him. You need to start using this focus for good. I think you can do some wonderful things for your life!
everyday something new.
well, it was fun while it lasted. He is just amazing at it though. his body will twitch slightly and his breath will go to weird frequencies. (mind you, I'm supposed to be breathing with a clear mind beside him- not observing with awe :'P) he is so connected. And this i always knew. he grew up in the jungle's of ecuador and always has brought new perspectives to my everyday.
this is a man after all who can cure a headache from too much sun - by pulling tiny strands of my hair on the top of my head until it "pops" and as he says in his cute way "gets the sunny out".
I think about my raw food friends and the orgy of fruit they would uncover in his home town. And then I laugh at how he dismisses my organic demands at the grocery store- because in his world nothing was-'not organic". it is a great partnership and everyday is something new. My friends from home and college always find it strange that a book worm, playwright loving, poetry writing, cinefile, dare i say not snob snob?? would find such comfort in a man who asked me just this morning what 'wi-fee" means (with the most earnest concern). I first brushed it off as slang for 'wifey' and then realized he was asking about the laundromat down the street that offers free 'wi-fi". everyday something new. It just works.
So, I asked this meditating natural of a bf of mine. "how are you so good at clearing your mind?" not with resentment, not with
anything other than awe. and he said that you have to have a strong focus. he said he closes his eyes and rides his breath while he follows the little dots in his eyelids. I don't blindly believe that what works for him will work for me. But I am curious as to his approach. He then told me he had a confession to make:
(here we go I thought)
"well, when i was younger i wanted to be a 'super----" (something, a word in spanish that sounds like adoribo). I wanted to be special. I wanted to find power within my brain. ( a child of 12 I am sure he wanted to stand out!) So, I would try to focus my mind on anything. i would try to move paper, bend spoons. I wanted to find that power, so maybe that's why i am able to clear my mind so easily. I spent all those years trying to focus."
so this is too adorable for me to register. i picture his adorable face and demeanor as a young boy- taking the time to focus his thoughts to bend spoons? you know, instead of chasing soccer balls or girls?? so, I ask him, 'how old were you when you did this?'
"oh, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17"
haha. 7 years!!! this was important to him for 7 years??? he later told me that he would sweat he would think so hard. And that one time he almost cried, because he knew he was so close to bending it.
we laughed. and then got ready for bed and I told him. You need to start using this focus for good. I think you can do some wonderful things for your life!
everyday something new.
releases sinus pressure
I started reading 'You can heal Your Life' and I must admit the east coast snark in my less than perfect thoughts of the cover and water colors and pictures and hoopplyadoo. But i really like what she has to say. and i am mesmerized that she (though her name indicates the truth) started Hay Publications which published 'Ask & it is given' wow. there is one readily available point of interest that I picked up right away. & that is this sinus infection of mine. Skimming through the book as i do with all books I am about to read (yes, i used to always read the last page- haha, but I broke myself of that habit). I saw an index of ailments and 'causes". I was reading the first chapter and she mentioned resentment as a cause for most dis-ease. and stresses that we must let go. There are small segments and characters of my life that i intend to release from any resentment or anger- no matter how superficial or deep I once believe their wrongdoing (or my own to be). I love her words "I forgive you for not being the way I wanted you to be, I forgive you and I set you free" Louise Hay is good. that is powerful. In Marianne Williamson's book return to love- she addressed the letting go of anger when she said to "release the anger to the holy spirit" or something to that effect. they are both really hitting home and I am eager to release.
And then wouldn't you know it? I look into the index of ailments and causes and i read that the cause for a sinus infection is: "irritation to someone close". or resentment. what?? are you kidding. I can't believe that is so spot on. Well, without regurgitating what i have already moved forward from. I was irritated at my bf. I was resenting him. I was punishing him in my mind for decisions he made..dun dun dun $$$financially $ that affected us. I laughed aloud and read it to him. And it made sense.
I mean, he also came home with a cold and was sick the week before. and though I fought it for weeks with my neti pot, vitamins, and other secret potions. It landed in my chronic ailment as a sinus infection. i think i need to release some of this resentment. And I already like to think that I have.
And then wouldn't you know it? I look into the index of ailments and causes and i read that the cause for a sinus infection is: "irritation to someone close". or resentment. what?? are you kidding. I can't believe that is so spot on. Well, without regurgitating what i have already moved forward from. I was irritated at my bf. I was resenting him. I was punishing him in my mind for decisions he made..dun dun dun $$$financially $ that affected us. I laughed aloud and read it to him. And it made sense.
I mean, he also came home with a cold and was sick the week before. and though I fought it for weeks with my neti pot, vitamins, and other secret potions. It landed in my chronic ailment as a sinus infection. i think i need to release some of this resentment. And I already like to think that I have.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
confession
oh, and I must confess:
I don't want to finish reading "Ask and It Is Given" ever.
I have only 10 pages or so left and I am ignoring it as it rests on my bookshelf.
Ok. I suppose I can always re read it.
It really lays it out there. Literally. everything.
the potential is there and willingly, I accept it.
I don't want to finish reading "Ask and It Is Given" ever.
I have only 10 pages or so left and I am ignoring it as it rests on my bookshelf.
Ok. I suppose I can always re read it.
It really lays it out there. Literally. everything.
the potential is there and willingly, I accept it.
Oh my my.
With all respect to having the best outlook I possibly can: I still don't feel so great. My sinus infection is refusing to leave my building and it's not so great. I keep focus on feeling good- or at least the desire to feel good. But my stuffiness is stifling more than my breath.
It is nice though to be still. I have done some background work on some projects I have been putting off- so that feels good.
there! I do feel good!
I read that an exercise that I can try is a to do list of what I need to do and what I would like the Universe to do.
So here it is:
To Do List
For Me:
allow my self to be more organized and neat
open my self to the gifts of the universe
mail my manuscripts with positive intention!
eat healthy
(as you can see I am sick- so there isn't much to do, haha)
paint my story characters...
Things To Do: The Universe:
keep giving me prosperity
publish my writing & books
continue bringing good things to me
help me continue to be my best
allow our dreams of success to come true
I guess that's it for today.
I have lost my appetite with this sickiness- so In a way that's a good thing. I am re calibrating my diet. So, I am excited about that!
With all respect to having the best outlook I possibly can: I still don't feel so great. My sinus infection is refusing to leave my building and it's not so great. I keep focus on feeling good- or at least the desire to feel good. But my stuffiness is stifling more than my breath.
It is nice though to be still. I have done some background work on some projects I have been putting off- so that feels good.
there! I do feel good!
I read that an exercise that I can try is a to do list of what I need to do and what I would like the Universe to do.
So here it is:
To Do List
For Me:
allow my self to be more organized and neat
open my self to the gifts of the universe
mail my manuscripts with positive intention!
eat healthy
(as you can see I am sick- so there isn't much to do, haha)
paint my story characters...
Things To Do: The Universe:
keep giving me prosperity
publish my writing & books
continue bringing good things to me
help me continue to be my best
allow our dreams of success to come true
I guess that's it for today.
I have lost my appetite with this sickiness- so In a way that's a good thing. I am re calibrating my diet. So, I am excited about that!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
practice makes purrfect
my heart is beating and it is the silent equivalent of when my pretty kitty (Beatrice) purrs next to me. Today I tried- alone for the very first time to meditate. I have gone to countless yoga classes and have participated in the last 10 minutes of kind of guided meditation, but only once did I really let go. Maybe I needed to attempt this alone. Maybe I am just a distracted person..don't know. But I set myself down on my bed put on a little sleepy time eye mask (because I know how much I love to break rules :P) and started to breathe.
I don't know how long I did this. And I don't really care. Next time I will set a timer. But for this first time, I wanted no judgement or expectation from myself or the process. I was reading in Ask & it Is Given and i learned that meditation is important because it is the one time where we allow ourselves to be truly open and willing to experience 'relief from resistance". It felt so good. I would lose my 'non focus' so to speak but would continue to breathe in and out. sometimes counting to get my racing thoughts to cease. During the experiment my kitten came over to me ran up and down my body. sat on my chest, sat on my belly, sat inbetween my legs and i think she cleaned herself but i didn't stop to look. yes, it was distracting but i tried to continue. it felt good though, that this little creature was drawn to me in this calm silent non-sleeping state. towards the end of her fascination with me she jumped up my body to my face and just sat on my chest and sniffed my breathing. haha. I was thinking that i wished she would just fall asleep on me and purr- but then i realized i was thinking and got back to my breath. Then she leapt of the bed and scurried out to the other room. next time i will shut the door. I closed my meditation with 3 om's and again she came in and stared at me.
When i finished i felt so good. and i will continue this feeling for the rest of the day. I can't wait to try again tomorrow...or maybe even tonight.
I don't know how long I did this. And I don't really care. Next time I will set a timer. But for this first time, I wanted no judgement or expectation from myself or the process. I was reading in Ask & it Is Given and i learned that meditation is important because it is the one time where we allow ourselves to be truly open and willing to experience 'relief from resistance". It felt so good. I would lose my 'non focus' so to speak but would continue to breathe in and out. sometimes counting to get my racing thoughts to cease. During the experiment my kitten came over to me ran up and down my body. sat on my chest, sat on my belly, sat inbetween my legs and i think she cleaned herself but i didn't stop to look. yes, it was distracting but i tried to continue. it felt good though, that this little creature was drawn to me in this calm silent non-sleeping state. towards the end of her fascination with me she jumped up my body to my face and just sat on my chest and sniffed my breathing. haha. I was thinking that i wished she would just fall asleep on me and purr- but then i realized i was thinking and got back to my breath. Then she leapt of the bed and scurried out to the other room. next time i will shut the door. I closed my meditation with 3 om's and again she came in and stared at me.
When i finished i felt so good. and i will continue this feeling for the rest of the day. I can't wait to try again tomorrow...or maybe even tonight.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Yes We Can!!!
As a fan of the lower case I find it impossible to type 'yes we can' any way other than "Yes We Can!" It dawned on me this week- that I have become what my younger self would've never imagined me to ever be: numb. The numbness that crept over my limbs and body following Bush's re-elected term was a sneaky one. I never even realized that I was so checked out. Once Kerry lost I think my consciousness really shut off. And I can't believe it. Even in my excitement for a new president with a new focus I didn't fully embrace what that means until today. Although initially I was Hillary's girl, I put my emotional connections to her aside, and saw Obama for what he truly is. An eloquent leader that represents the most + change this country has seen in a real real long time. When I was in Japan last Jan. all the kids were rooting for Obama. And I thought that was so great. He represents so much to me. But the emotional and historical value of this day is unprecedented. A choice and a possibility has been released that I can not pretend to fully understand- as someone who has had every opportunity to education and work undaunted by racism (thus far). It makes me cringe when I see or hear people saying "what's the big deal?" "The race of Obama doesn't mean anything", I think that professed political correctness is false. And we need to be open and revel and bask in the glow that now every little kid can dream as big as they dare dream. e-v-e-r-y- little kid can see themselves as a leader. It is a big deal, because up until now- it never happened before.
the veil has lifted.
Of course, I am still sick and won't be celebrating at any balls or gala's this evening. But this is ok. I can't even go to yoga because try as I may, the breathing thing is sadly, not on my to do list of today. I made a dr. appt. this morning and the only openings were at noon and 12:30, ofcourse I chuckled to myself, no one wants to go to the doctor during the inauguration!! I took the later one hoping Obama would only speak for 20 minutes and perhaps I could listen to the last few minutes in the car on the ride over.
Imagine my pleasure when I saw a tv set up in the waiting room!! what a glorious day!! My doctor saw me with her stethoscope perched over her faded Obama t- shirt. I asked my bf to grab me a nytimes and a boston globe, to save for my "kids" something that when I say aloud is usually welcomed with a chuckle. But I am serious.
I must be taking these books I have been reading for my up coming yoga training to heart because when I saw Bush leaving, when I saw his face, I didn't experience the disdain or loathing I would've as my younger self. I actually felt sorry for him. You would think with all that he has done and not done, leaving us in a "dark aged" equivalent 8 years of science, war with Iraq, broken economy, to name a few...I would be angry. I didn't want to flip him the bird or yell "good riddance". I just hope that he can live with himself and the decisions he made, I wish him peace.
I think the consciousness is going to rise up. I hope this is a catalyst for more + change.
I am excited to be reading "ask and it may be given" and don't think the timing could be better.
I am so open to the positivity that abounds on this special and momentous day!
the veil has lifted.
Of course, I am still sick and won't be celebrating at any balls or gala's this evening. But this is ok. I can't even go to yoga because try as I may, the breathing thing is sadly, not on my to do list of today. I made a dr. appt. this morning and the only openings were at noon and 12:30, ofcourse I chuckled to myself, no one wants to go to the doctor during the inauguration!! I took the later one hoping Obama would only speak for 20 minutes and perhaps I could listen to the last few minutes in the car on the ride over.
Imagine my pleasure when I saw a tv set up in the waiting room!! what a glorious day!! My doctor saw me with her stethoscope perched over her faded Obama t- shirt. I asked my bf to grab me a nytimes and a boston globe, to save for my "kids" something that when I say aloud is usually welcomed with a chuckle. But I am serious.
I must be taking these books I have been reading for my up coming yoga training to heart because when I saw Bush leaving, when I saw his face, I didn't experience the disdain or loathing I would've as my younger self. I actually felt sorry for him. You would think with all that he has done and not done, leaving us in a "dark aged" equivalent 8 years of science, war with Iraq, broken economy, to name a few...I would be angry. I didn't want to flip him the bird or yell "good riddance". I just hope that he can live with himself and the decisions he made, I wish him peace.
I think the consciousness is going to rise up. I hope this is a catalyst for more + change.
I am excited to be reading "ask and it may be given" and don't think the timing could be better.
I am so open to the positivity that abounds on this special and momentous day!
Monday, January 19, 2009
MLK BDAY
I finished marianne williamson's book and there is a lot I would like to comment on it and explore but! i am sick.
My head is a fog and my eyes are popping. I thought I could trick my body yesterday morning by going to
yoga in the am. Breathing and focusing my energy- but I think it was too late. I am a loyal neti user and am
thankful that I don't face the plague of sinus troubles I used to endure pre- neti pot usage.
I am pretty sure this happened because my bf was sick and when I get sick it just lands in me as a sinus infection.
ho hum. it's ok. I'll take it over strep or the flu any day.
I should just email my narturopathic doctor cousin out in oregon and see what she recommends. It's funny I ask her for all of my friends' ailments, but never mine.
I even went so far as to snort cayanne pepper (something I read over and over again on a natural healing site).
It didn't do much but for one 'hot' second I felt clear behind my poor squished eyeballs.
Other than that, it's honey and mucinex lots of tea, and some allergy medicine :(
I am happy it is Martin Luther King Day (but bummed my dr. is closed)- Amazed that on his 80th birthday he would be seeing Obama get inaugurated.
though as I hear everyone speculate on the radio and news shows- I wonder: if Martin Luther King were celebrating his 80th birthday here on earth with us all, would this all have happened sooner?
My head is a fog and my eyes are popping. I thought I could trick my body yesterday morning by going to
yoga in the am. Breathing and focusing my energy- but I think it was too late. I am a loyal neti user and am
thankful that I don't face the plague of sinus troubles I used to endure pre- neti pot usage.
I am pretty sure this happened because my bf was sick and when I get sick it just lands in me as a sinus infection.
ho hum. it's ok. I'll take it over strep or the flu any day.
I should just email my narturopathic doctor cousin out in oregon and see what she recommends. It's funny I ask her for all of my friends' ailments, but never mine.
I even went so far as to snort cayanne pepper (something I read over and over again on a natural healing site).
It didn't do much but for one 'hot' second I felt clear behind my poor squished eyeballs.
Other than that, it's honey and mucinex lots of tea, and some allergy medicine :(
I am happy it is Martin Luther King Day (but bummed my dr. is closed)- Amazed that on his 80th birthday he would be seeing Obama get inaugurated.
though as I hear everyone speculate on the radio and news shows- I wonder: if Martin Luther King were celebrating his 80th birthday here on earth with us all, would this all have happened sooner?
Thursday, January 15, 2009
you may be wrong but you may be right
and so more from the Marianne Williamson book.
Another thing that I like about this book was the hawk dove dream she had. Reminiscing about when she was a leftist. Fighting with people at a cock tail party (because they are wrong and she is right). paraphrasing here: She has a dream she is told that she thinks she is a dove but she is really a hawk. Fighting against Reagan and other republican paradigm's at a cocktail party... Who is to say that just because this is what we believe to be right- we are right. I love that. I am guilty of that.
and she says:
we are not policing the universe
sooooooo true. thank you.
there is really no right to judge people. And there is no reason to beat ourselves up when we do. She mentions a time when she is getting her nails done and a woman annoys her. She asks god to help her (love) fight these judgemental feelings of 'being annoyed' and she gets it. Automatically she realizes and is shown this formerly 'annoying' lady's struggle, childhood, upbringing, etc...and realizes it is her defense mechanisms wrongly presenting her in this way.
Hmm. I am eager to work on not judging. I mean, really what gives me the right?
Another thing that I like about this book was the hawk dove dream she had. Reminiscing about when she was a leftist. Fighting with people at a cock tail party (because they are wrong and she is right). paraphrasing here: She has a dream she is told that she thinks she is a dove but she is really a hawk. Fighting against Reagan and other republican paradigm's at a cocktail party... Who is to say that just because this is what we believe to be right- we are right. I love that. I am guilty of that.
and she says:
we are not policing the universe
sooooooo true. thank you.
there is really no right to judge people. And there is no reason to beat ourselves up when we do. She mentions a time when she is getting her nails done and a woman annoys her. She asks god to help her (love) fight these judgemental feelings of 'being annoyed' and she gets it. Automatically she realizes and is shown this formerly 'annoying' lady's struggle, childhood, upbringing, etc...and realizes it is her defense mechanisms wrongly presenting her in this way.
Hmm. I am eager to work on not judging. I mean, really what gives me the right?
cher was right
ok. brief lapse here. no problem. I'm back. brother was in town. this translates to pizza orderage, beer consumage & my favorite part burgers & mayonnaise buffonage. good. good good. my brother doesn't dance but I did when we went to see my friends band. I also made him run home with me in a serious snow storm around 3 am on sat night. I made him pretend this was the first time we ever saw snow and were visiting from a vague almost eastern european country (that has never seen snow???). All I yelled for atleast 100 times, at least, was "take a picture" but more like "teke a peeeekshure" of me running. It was fun. But he told me the next morning he never wanted to hear me say "take a picture" again. oh well. he'll change is mind.
that was my exercise for this weekend. I almost coerced him to come to yoga with me, I know he would like it. But we laughed about how he had no gym shorts with him- except for a few pairs he has given to me over the years. One's that I have chopped to the barely upper thigh mid hamstring area- also referred to as the zone of promiscuity. We kept cracking up about how ridiculous his 6 foot something frame would look in these no longer basket ball now booty shorts, and how he could say "but they were mine!' and still look like an athletic member of the YMCA singers. Needless to say he didn't hit up a hot yoga class.
I went the day before yesterday with my favorite teacher Danielle. Man is she tough. Whenever I go to her class it is like this royal heated ass beaten. So, consider me a masochist because I love it. I missed it yesterday because of work. It's just so hard to get there on Wed.'s and Friday s because of the evening shift at work. I'm far too busy "working" from home during the day to hit up one of those day time sessions.
My friend who I introduced to the studio is doing the 31 in 31 days promo at the studio. I am so proud of her. I must be growing up because if I were, say 2o something, I think I'd be jealous. Or atleast make up some poor excuse of why I would do that but now, couldn't...I am so impressed with her commitment. And quite frankly, happy to know her!
That is a pretty awesome promo and even more awesome feat!
I started my yoga reading material. I read the "7 secrets for spiritual".. something or other by Deepak Chopra and am currently reading the Return To Love book by Marianne Williamson. I saw her once on Oprah. I usuall catch 5 oprah episodes a year. haha. And they are usually one's that are pretty spiritual. LIke, the one about the secret, and the + law of attraction+ or the one's with Dr. Oz (man that guy is great) about yoga, or colonoscopy's. or neti pots. All great stuff. But this one time, I am pretty sure to be an episode about forgiveness, I saw Marianne Williamson.
I really feel like I am connecting with the 2nd portion of this book. The "practice" portion. The beginning allbeit beautiful. Seems to be a preface in the form of 100 pages. She equates God with Love. And I think that is to reel in the non believers of god into her teachings. I am neither here nor there. I have faith. But education seems to have taken me away from the vigorous faith I had as a child. I was a really really religious child and my parents were not at all. I loved going to church and I BELIEVED in god, jesus, mary, joseph, noah's ark, the whole crew. I had sat in at a friends passover dinner and I believed in Elijah as well. I was a believer!!! As I got older I went to a confirmation class (8th grade) they were explaining fundamentalism. I nearly had a heart attack when our pastor told us that there was a school of thought that didn't believe that noah's ark really happened and that 40 days was symbolic. That some stories were allegorical, some were just vehicles for proverbs and lessons. The pastor was a really great guy. And I was just coming down from learning that Santa wasn't real 2 years before. I had a heated 8 th grader styled confrontation with the pastor, which basically means I asked him "what do you mean?" repeatedly. and then I left the church conference room and never came back. I was eventually confirmed because I begged my mother to send me to a catholic highschool and you don't get much more religious teaching than that.
After that I went to college and lived with an atheist. I told her and I quote "that's so sad to me, to not believe in anything".
Eventually I started to attribute faith with the meek. And slowly followed suit. But I also knew that with all of this academic knowledge- the real feat was maintaining faith within all of this explanation. And there was something to be said about that.
Isn't that the epitome of what faith was?
I forgot to mention that when I was graduating highschool I wanted to be an Art therapist, a writer, or a minister.
Even though I never went to church since that day I learned the truth.
I wavered and leaned but never really accepted either side of the coin. I would show up to church on sporadic christmas eve's and wait for something magical to real me in. Years & years of this.
I read about kabbalah, buddhism- you know all the college aged rights of passage writings.
I learned about christian scientist since my great grandmother was one. And she was born in the late 1800's. Innovative babe she was. I love the notions of like curing like. And positive thinking- coming from a mother who loves to be ill. So much so that I call her home "the infirmary" and made a request that we speak of other things besides biopsy's and dying people when I visit.
I went to live in Boston with my boyfriend and we rented a room from his cousin. His wife had just had a child and during her gestation converted to be a
"rapture Christian" which means and I'm para-para phrasing: you believe in the 2nd coming of Christ and that all hell's a gonna break loose one of these days.
That really swayed me away from christianity for even longer. haha.
Went to Japan. Went to a million buddha's and temples shinto and not shinto. I realized how much they base their "worship" on luck and superstition and wish. It felt emptier to my christian raised soul- than sitting on a wooden church pew on christmas eve waiting for a miracle. But I respect it entirely.
I think that Marianne Williamson does a good job at reeling in us "where are we now" religious zealots. It really is just love. And if I need to insert love with every "GOD" passage. Well, that's perfectly acceptable. Because as she stresses in this book and chapter specifically: Love is the only Real thing.
My dad loves cher. Which is hilarious. He is a conservative republican who was in the navy. Every election I ask him if his finger has disintegrated for voting republican (when he has 2 daughters). He laughs. But he still loves Cher and lives in a geodesic dome. I can picture him listening to Cher's POwer of love right now. and I don't even know all the words.
that was my exercise for this weekend. I almost coerced him to come to yoga with me, I know he would like it. But we laughed about how he had no gym shorts with him- except for a few pairs he has given to me over the years. One's that I have chopped to the barely upper thigh mid hamstring area- also referred to as the zone of promiscuity. We kept cracking up about how ridiculous his 6 foot something frame would look in these no longer basket ball now booty shorts, and how he could say "but they were mine!' and still look like an athletic member of the YMCA singers. Needless to say he didn't hit up a hot yoga class.
I went the day before yesterday with my favorite teacher Danielle. Man is she tough. Whenever I go to her class it is like this royal heated ass beaten. So, consider me a masochist because I love it. I missed it yesterday because of work. It's just so hard to get there on Wed.'s and Friday s because of the evening shift at work. I'm far too busy "working" from home during the day to hit up one of those day time sessions.
My friend who I introduced to the studio is doing the 31 in 31 days promo at the studio. I am so proud of her. I must be growing up because if I were, say 2o something, I think I'd be jealous. Or atleast make up some poor excuse of why I would do that but now, couldn't...I am so impressed with her commitment. And quite frankly, happy to know her!
That is a pretty awesome promo and even more awesome feat!
I started my yoga reading material. I read the "7 secrets for spiritual".. something or other by Deepak Chopra and am currently reading the Return To Love book by Marianne Williamson. I saw her once on Oprah. I usuall catch 5 oprah episodes a year. haha. And they are usually one's that are pretty spiritual. LIke, the one about the secret, and the + law of attraction+ or the one's with Dr. Oz (man that guy is great) about yoga, or colonoscopy's. or neti pots. All great stuff. But this one time, I am pretty sure to be an episode about forgiveness, I saw Marianne Williamson.
I really feel like I am connecting with the 2nd portion of this book. The "practice" portion. The beginning allbeit beautiful. Seems to be a preface in the form of 100 pages. She equates God with Love. And I think that is to reel in the non believers of god into her teachings. I am neither here nor there. I have faith. But education seems to have taken me away from the vigorous faith I had as a child. I was a really really religious child and my parents were not at all. I loved going to church and I BELIEVED in god, jesus, mary, joseph, noah's ark, the whole crew. I had sat in at a friends passover dinner and I believed in Elijah as well. I was a believer!!! As I got older I went to a confirmation class (8th grade) they were explaining fundamentalism. I nearly had a heart attack when our pastor told us that there was a school of thought that didn't believe that noah's ark really happened and that 40 days was symbolic. That some stories were allegorical, some were just vehicles for proverbs and lessons. The pastor was a really great guy. And I was just coming down from learning that Santa wasn't real 2 years before. I had a heated 8 th grader styled confrontation with the pastor, which basically means I asked him "what do you mean?" repeatedly. and then I left the church conference room and never came back. I was eventually confirmed because I begged my mother to send me to a catholic highschool and you don't get much more religious teaching than that.
After that I went to college and lived with an atheist. I told her and I quote "that's so sad to me, to not believe in anything".
Eventually I started to attribute faith with the meek. And slowly followed suit. But I also knew that with all of this academic knowledge- the real feat was maintaining faith within all of this explanation. And there was something to be said about that.
Isn't that the epitome of what faith was?
I forgot to mention that when I was graduating highschool I wanted to be an Art therapist, a writer, or a minister.
Even though I never went to church since that day I learned the truth.
I wavered and leaned but never really accepted either side of the coin. I would show up to church on sporadic christmas eve's and wait for something magical to real me in. Years & years of this.
I read about kabbalah, buddhism- you know all the college aged rights of passage writings.
I learned about christian scientist since my great grandmother was one. And she was born in the late 1800's. Innovative babe she was. I love the notions of like curing like. And positive thinking- coming from a mother who loves to be ill. So much so that I call her home "the infirmary" and made a request that we speak of other things besides biopsy's and dying people when I visit.
I went to live in Boston with my boyfriend and we rented a room from his cousin. His wife had just had a child and during her gestation converted to be a
"rapture Christian" which means and I'm para-para phrasing: you believe in the 2nd coming of Christ and that all hell's a gonna break loose one of these days.
That really swayed me away from christianity for even longer. haha.
Went to Japan. Went to a million buddha's and temples shinto and not shinto. I realized how much they base their "worship" on luck and superstition and wish. It felt emptier to my christian raised soul- than sitting on a wooden church pew on christmas eve waiting for a miracle. But I respect it entirely.
I think that Marianne Williamson does a good job at reeling in us "where are we now" religious zealots. It really is just love. And if I need to insert love with every "GOD" passage. Well, that's perfectly acceptable. Because as she stresses in this book and chapter specifically: Love is the only Real thing.
My dad loves cher. Which is hilarious. He is a conservative republican who was in the navy. Every election I ask him if his finger has disintegrated for voting republican (when he has 2 daughters). He laughs. But he still loves Cher and lives in a geodesic dome. I can picture him listening to Cher's POwer of love right now. and I don't even know all the words.
Friday, January 9, 2009
circle jerk
well, I'm pretty sure I have part laziness part mental illness. I didn't go to yoga yesterday or today. And I don't know why. I wound up making sushi with a friend. And even though I enjoyed the making and eating of the fresh fresh sushi rolls- I was thinking that i should be at yoga, that I would feel better if I just did. There are many solutions for this type of saboteur lethargy. One would be "go in the morning" that would "get it out of the way". The other (my boyfriends favorite) would be: stop wasting time with your friends. Which is 1/2 true but cancelled when you include fresh sashimi, jicema & avocado. I need to find a balance. Because there is no reason why I couldn't stay true to my intention and have gone to yoga @ 5:30 and do the roll making after.
hmmmm. what is the root of all this and where is my action.
I know what makes me happy. I know what I seek. Why don't I do it?
atleast I am not neglecting this process as well...
hmmmm. what is the root of all this and where is my action.
I know what makes me happy. I know what I seek. Why don't I do it?
atleast I am not neglecting this process as well...
Thursday, January 8, 2009
poop
oops. I didn't write anything the past 2 days? how did that happen.
oh well. I went to yoga the day before yesterday and it was bliss.
worked yesterday so that kind of tainted the run of fitness.
found an old carton of frozen yogurt in the freezer that was 'mine', well
i ordered 2 cartons of it for a co worker who had a toothache. so, i guess the 2nd carton
was 'ours'. ate half of that and then proceeded to drop the rest on the floor of the restaurant.
which i am pretty certain was baby jesus helping a sister out.
today i will go to yoga in the evening. and walk around a bit today.
i drank a few beers after work last night for no reason. so, that equals big time failure.
oh well. I went to yoga the day before yesterday and it was bliss.
worked yesterday so that kind of tainted the run of fitness.
found an old carton of frozen yogurt in the freezer that was 'mine', well
i ordered 2 cartons of it for a co worker who had a toothache. so, i guess the 2nd carton
was 'ours'. ate half of that and then proceeded to drop the rest on the floor of the restaurant.
which i am pretty certain was baby jesus helping a sister out.
today i will go to yoga in the evening. and walk around a bit today.
i drank a few beers after work last night for no reason. so, that equals big time failure.
Monday, January 5, 2009
do it again
jiminy crickets!
why do we deprive ourselves of what really makes us happy?? why oh why oh why? after a 2 week yoga hiatus I finally slapped down the mat and got down on the ground with it. It was heaven. I swear I was smiling the entire time we twisted, sweat and stretched. i didn't even mind that it was more crowded than usual or that this kind of pretty girl's crusty feet were in my face for the frog pose. It is soooooooooooooooooooooo good to be back. After a friend from home passed away i holed myself in my room while g worked on the house for about a month, well, ok he worked on the house for a month, I was "mourning for 2 weeks". But Christmas kind of cock blocked it a little bit.. Instead of going to yoga which was my first impulse/instinct/intention. i rolled around in bed listened to gospel music and cried like a babe. A good approach for some but not entirely what I needed. After i discovered that the local cafe would deliver me frozen yogurt- my hermitage had really begun. i guess it was what I needed. But I am pretty certain that a couple of prana sessions would have cleared my psyche, sinuses and soul a little bit more..
as for the eating business. I am slowly revamping. I am still addicted to apples and that penzey spice business. But today I did it with salmon and had a few slices of fake cheese in the a.m. Not exactly a model of healthy eating. But, what are you going to do.
Came home from yoga, took a bath with the bf. My hands are all pruney but I feel like it's happening. I can't wait to go back tomorrow. Normally, when I say things like that I am being sarcastic. But I really mean it. the only other times I would say things like that with such sincerity was when I used to write letters to Santa. But this is something entirely different, and luckily far more real.
why do we deprive ourselves of what really makes us happy?? why oh why oh why? after a 2 week yoga hiatus I finally slapped down the mat and got down on the ground with it. It was heaven. I swear I was smiling the entire time we twisted, sweat and stretched. i didn't even mind that it was more crowded than usual or that this kind of pretty girl's crusty feet were in my face for the frog pose. It is soooooooooooooooooooooo good to be back. After a friend from home passed away i holed myself in my room while g worked on the house for about a month, well, ok he worked on the house for a month, I was "mourning for 2 weeks". But Christmas kind of cock blocked it a little bit.. Instead of going to yoga which was my first impulse/instinct/intention. i rolled around in bed listened to gospel music and cried like a babe. A good approach for some but not entirely what I needed. After i discovered that the local cafe would deliver me frozen yogurt- my hermitage had really begun. i guess it was what I needed. But I am pretty certain that a couple of prana sessions would have cleared my psyche, sinuses and soul a little bit more..
as for the eating business. I am slowly revamping. I am still addicted to apples and that penzey spice business. But today I did it with salmon and had a few slices of fake cheese in the a.m. Not exactly a model of healthy eating. But, what are you going to do.
Came home from yoga, took a bath with the bf. My hands are all pruney but I feel like it's happening. I can't wait to go back tomorrow. Normally, when I say things like that I am being sarcastic. But I really mean it. the only other times I would say things like that with such sincerity was when I used to write letters to Santa. But this is something entirely different, and luckily far more real.
oopsie
So, last night didn't go as planned. i forgot that we had plans to attend a birthday party at a taqueria. we had some burrito's and other assorted mexican offerings along with a few beers. What are you going to do? you know.
I am heading to yoga @ 5:30 ish and will set my intention to move forward with more zeal.
I am heading to yoga @ 5:30 ish and will set my intention to move forward with more zeal.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
practice is perfect
so, this is the warm-up. which is something i forgot to mention.
During my 200 hour yoga training (which begins in Feb). I am supposed to journal. I figure. i always do these things and then stop, or tell myself i will do something on a specific day and it never happens. i never do it. so i am walking the walk and training before the actual course.
i am so excited to not be full of shit this time. I know that no one cares. But I feel that during this training process I am going to uncover some basic modules of "the process". WHich I tend to believe is always the best part. So, for the time being I will record what I eat and realize on the internets why I become a fatty.
ps. even when I'm a chub- I still love myself. hahaha. it's true.
So, I went to the gym yesterday because I missed yoga. I was going to run and walk outside but it was freaking freeeeezeee freaky and when I tried to run to the gym (which is a rocks toss down the road) I thought I was getting nature's botox on my face. And it hurt. So I ran around the neighborhood to my car and drove to the gym. haha, don't worry it's a prius :/.
Got to the gym and ran for 5 minutes like they made us warm up in gym class. Walked up hills at a 10% incline slowly, like 2.9-3.3 read magazines and thought about how- if I plan to read crappy magazines this is how you do it. I know that a personal trainer would tell me to focus on my activity but thats why I don't have one. After that I decided to actually do some mindfull activity and I ran 2 miles on the elliptical. I listened to some LI'l Wayne and some OUtkast Atliens for that burst of energy and retired to the mat for some girl vs. boy push ups. Yoga has made me stronger for the push ups. Thanks to chatarunga which is
when you hover over the mat from a down ward dog into a plank, into a high push up> low pushi up> upward dog. But I am still not so fierce on the manly push ups. Just wait. I will be.
It felt really good. And that was where i came up with the idea to blog this experience before it actually begins. to set the tone and my intention (as they say in the yoga studio) my intention is to do this. To enjoy and embrace every moment. To not allow minor lapses to ruin my routine and commitment to enjoy my best possible life.
As for foodage. I had ordered my last frozen yogurt for dinner delivery the night before. A discovery that was both bleak and delicious during the last snowstorm. I swear. I thought the delivery boy thought I had a crush on him. I ordered 3 times while I was snowed in. But I swear it was the yogurt. Not the young Turkish man.
I decided to stave the idea of ordering food. And I think for the most part during this experiment. I will only eat sushi if I plan to eat out of my home. There is one exception of the place where I wait tables 2 ce a week. But I usually don't want to eat there...so we shall see. While I am planning this, I should also make a note that any place that serves eggwhite omelette brunche offerings should be on the list too!
I ran over to the super market (which means drove) grabbed some apples and tuna fish, milk for G's coffee, guanabana drink for G, a "healthy version" of Kettle Corn for him, (we were going to the movies at 6:30). cous cous (also for him).
We were running late so we walked over to the movie theatre. The movie we wanted to see was sold out (Slum dog Millionaire, which I thought was a cartoon until last week. Can't you just picture a dog on a skateboard or something??). Instead we saw Reolutionary Road. After we walked home in the freaky freeze. And I made my favorite concoction of tuna, apples, olive oil and penzey spices (italian)). may sound gross but it is super good.
When Gennaro fell asleep I ate the rest of his Kettle Corn. But that's ok. We're just getting started!
During my 200 hour yoga training (which begins in Feb). I am supposed to journal. I figure. i always do these things and then stop, or tell myself i will do something on a specific day and it never happens. i never do it. so i am walking the walk and training before the actual course.
i am so excited to not be full of shit this time. I know that no one cares. But I feel that during this training process I am going to uncover some basic modules of "the process". WHich I tend to believe is always the best part. So, for the time being I will record what I eat and realize on the internets why I become a fatty.
ps. even when I'm a chub- I still love myself. hahaha. it's true.
So, I went to the gym yesterday because I missed yoga. I was going to run and walk outside but it was freaking freeeeezeee freaky and when I tried to run to the gym (which is a rocks toss down the road) I thought I was getting nature's botox on my face. And it hurt. So I ran around the neighborhood to my car and drove to the gym. haha, don't worry it's a prius :/.
Got to the gym and ran for 5 minutes like they made us warm up in gym class. Walked up hills at a 10% incline slowly, like 2.9-3.3 read magazines and thought about how- if I plan to read crappy magazines this is how you do it. I know that a personal trainer would tell me to focus on my activity but thats why I don't have one. After that I decided to actually do some mindfull activity and I ran 2 miles on the elliptical. I listened to some LI'l Wayne and some OUtkast Atliens for that burst of energy and retired to the mat for some girl vs. boy push ups. Yoga has made me stronger for the push ups. Thanks to chatarunga which is
when you hover over the mat from a down ward dog into a plank, into a high push up> low pushi up> upward dog. But I am still not so fierce on the manly push ups. Just wait. I will be.
It felt really good. And that was where i came up with the idea to blog this experience before it actually begins. to set the tone and my intention (as they say in the yoga studio) my intention is to do this. To enjoy and embrace every moment. To not allow minor lapses to ruin my routine and commitment to enjoy my best possible life.
As for foodage. I had ordered my last frozen yogurt for dinner delivery the night before. A discovery that was both bleak and delicious during the last snowstorm. I swear. I thought the delivery boy thought I had a crush on him. I ordered 3 times while I was snowed in. But I swear it was the yogurt. Not the young Turkish man.
I decided to stave the idea of ordering food. And I think for the most part during this experiment. I will only eat sushi if I plan to eat out of my home. There is one exception of the place where I wait tables 2 ce a week. But I usually don't want to eat there...so we shall see. While I am planning this, I should also make a note that any place that serves eggwhite omelette brunche offerings should be on the list too!
I ran over to the super market (which means drove) grabbed some apples and tuna fish, milk for G's coffee, guanabana drink for G, a "healthy version" of Kettle Corn for him, (we were going to the movies at 6:30). cous cous (also for him).
We were running late so we walked over to the movie theatre. The movie we wanted to see was sold out (Slum dog Millionaire, which I thought was a cartoon until last week. Can't you just picture a dog on a skateboard or something??). Instead we saw Reolutionary Road. After we walked home in the freaky freeze. And I made my favorite concoction of tuna, apples, olive oil and penzey spices (italian)). may sound gross but it is super good.
When Gennaro fell asleep I ate the rest of his Kettle Corn. But that's ok. We're just getting started!
Saturday, January 3, 2009
The Plan
Here is the Plan.
I want to be my best. I like how I am. But I want to be my best.
I want to run my body like an efficient machine. Food and motion and release my self from all sense of "rejecting" thoughts I create within mine own head.
I am going to make these changes slowly. Hopefully I will be ready by the 1st week of feb. when my yoga training begins.
I am so excited I don't want to wait until then. If that is 101, I am doing my own pre req's.
Diet is one of them.
I am not going to nose dive. I am going to do this in a manner that is user friendly. For example- I don't like bread. Therefore, I am not really going to include that in my daily meals. Another example: I love fish, so I plan to eat more of that. So, let;s see:
Lists are good for this, I will reduce, increase or maintain. I think quitting is for quitters.
reduce bread increase fish maintain coffee
reduce cheese increase water
(if not fresh cheese) increase greens
reduce chicken increase breakfast
reduce days spent
hungover
ok, let me explain.
I don't like bread it makes me feel slow and full so, why eat it- other than a way to get butter in my mouth.
My facial lady is convinced that cheese is not good for my skin. I believe her. She did, however tell me that fresh cheese isn't as horrible. I love cheese, so I will try my best. Chicken. yuck. I'm sorry but I can say that I don't like it. I think I was a vegetarian for 8 years of my life because I never liked chicken. It's true. Hangovers. blech. The days I eat like a frat boy are (not ironically) the days I am hungover. Pizza, cuban sandwiches, burgers, fried mozz, even mayonaise are scientifically proven ( by my extensive research) to mend hangovers.
Ok. on to the positive.
I love fish, I love sushi- why fight it.
I try to drink water. But I'm thinking I must try hawder???
Greens, as in produce- make me feel good. So I'm increasing them.
Breakfast? thinnest I ever have been, I can honestly say was partially due to eating breakfast.
coffee. "you take the good you take the bad" I take my coffee and tea. Baby steps.
And I move forward.
I want to be my best. I like how I am. But I want to be my best.
I want to run my body like an efficient machine. Food and motion and release my self from all sense of "rejecting" thoughts I create within mine own head.
I am going to make these changes slowly. Hopefully I will be ready by the 1st week of feb. when my yoga training begins.
I am so excited I don't want to wait until then. If that is 101, I am doing my own pre req's.
Diet is one of them.
I am not going to nose dive. I am going to do this in a manner that is user friendly. For example- I don't like bread. Therefore, I am not really going to include that in my daily meals. Another example: I love fish, so I plan to eat more of that. So, let;s see:
Lists are good for this, I will reduce, increase or maintain. I think quitting is for quitters.
reduce bread increase fish maintain coffee
reduce cheese increase water
(if not fresh cheese) increase greens
reduce chicken increase breakfast
reduce days spent
hungover
ok, let me explain.
I don't like bread it makes me feel slow and full so, why eat it- other than a way to get butter in my mouth.
My facial lady is convinced that cheese is not good for my skin. I believe her. She did, however tell me that fresh cheese isn't as horrible. I love cheese, so I will try my best. Chicken. yuck. I'm sorry but I can say that I don't like it. I think I was a vegetarian for 8 years of my life because I never liked chicken. It's true. Hangovers. blech. The days I eat like a frat boy are (not ironically) the days I am hungover. Pizza, cuban sandwiches, burgers, fried mozz, even mayonaise are scientifically proven ( by my extensive research) to mend hangovers.
Ok. on to the positive.
I love fish, I love sushi- why fight it.
I try to drink water. But I'm thinking I must try hawder???
Greens, as in produce- make me feel good. So I'm increasing them.
Breakfast? thinnest I ever have been, I can honestly say was partially due to eating breakfast.
coffee. "you take the good you take the bad" I take my coffee and tea. Baby steps.
And I move forward.
a great example
this is a great example of how much I am usually full of shit. I wrote this when I was 29. I am going to be 31 in april. haha. 31. It's awesome. And don't let me hear you complain about turning 30- what's the alternative? death? It's awesome being 30. You get to tell people (who are usually surprised) "I'm 3o" they listen. kind of.
So, this is where I plan to post and journal my latest endeavor.
Becoming a yoga teacher.
Oh, are you yawning? I'm not insulted. More room for me on my mat. I am making the changes I want to see in myself and my lifestyle. And by the way, this isn't let your heart hug your rib cage meditation. This is "you can do whatever you visualize" 97 degree power yoga. And I am thankful to be just vain enough to take action over my life, (mind body & fitness) and I am ready to make this life flow- exactly how I would like it to develop.
I love myself and you should too! Vanity Smurf, Miss Piggy, they all ruined the notion of self love. It's the best. But you can love your self and your body and your mind and still seek room for improvement. I am super excited as I plan to evolve.
ps. I am also a real estate agent & restauranteur so plan for plenty of contradiction!!!
So, this is where I plan to post and journal my latest endeavor.
Becoming a yoga teacher.
Oh, are you yawning? I'm not insulted. More room for me on my mat. I am making the changes I want to see in myself and my lifestyle. And by the way, this isn't let your heart hug your rib cage meditation. This is "you can do whatever you visualize" 97 degree power yoga. And I am thankful to be just vain enough to take action over my life, (mind body & fitness) and I am ready to make this life flow- exactly how I would like it to develop.
I love myself and you should too! Vanity Smurf, Miss Piggy, they all ruined the notion of self love. It's the best. But you can love your self and your body and your mind and still seek room for improvement. I am super excited as I plan to evolve.
ps. I am also a real estate agent & restauranteur so plan for plenty of contradiction!!!
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