I cut the last post short because it was the old mindset.
In order to consciously evolve- I need to revamp my synapses!
Yes, there are times during this yoga training where I am going to do very un yoga like things.
i am going to compare my postures, adeptness, reason, form, fitness level.
I am going to think I'm not good enough- or have no business teaching anyone anything about meditation or yoga.
But you know what old mind set?
I am going to let it go.
let it go. it's not here anymore.
This is my personal journey and that is all I could ever dream.
We are all here trying this on for size & it is a blessed experience.
I am thankful.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
old habits
I can't do this.
I am realizing a few things about my self today. I've been doing this since I learned how to speak. Some people talk about panic attacks or anxiety. I have to admit that i don't know what that feels like. And if I do, I ignore it. What happens to my is something I will now name "cryxiety". Sometimes i get overwhelmed and when I am trying to make a point- feel like I am going to cry.
It chokes me up and I have done this since i was a kid.
It would happen in school when a teacher would yell at me, or if i didn't know an answer to something. I would get teary and though I tried to fight it- i would just cry. I remember my father would tell me, "you know, your argument would stand more ground if you decided to hold back the tears". Quite funny in hindsight but some unwanted advice at the time. It has always been this way and my sensitivity to the general public is embarrassing and has become a part of me. The opposing force of this anecdote is that I am a highly excitable enthusiastic person. think tigger from winnie the pooh or just imagine an 8 year old boy. a running joke is that my car contains enough sport and activity equipment for a day camp. Volleyball net, soccer balls, tennis rackets, wiffle ball bat, roller blades. there were tiki torches at one time. So what's with all this crying from this seemingly happy active person? Why all of these tears? Where is this sadness brewing and brimming as tears at the most in opportune times.
2 things (which will turn in to a milion)
1. I have a hard time believing in my self...I don't realize this when it is happening. there are other times where I am delusional and over confident. 2. And sometimes I just make up an excuses. My boyfriend lovingly asks me where do I keep all of my excuses- because I seem to have an answer to everything. I have been in the process of shedding these excuses and accepting my self as I am how I am- where I am. they are really just lies that i tell myself (but they are in the vehicle of an explanation to someone else).
I feel some of these flaws coming back during teacher training. Maybe it is the physical and mental exhaustion. Maybe it is the vulnerability of trying something so new- when you feel like you know so little. But these old habits are rearing their argumentative heads.
And now for the excuses:
I hurt my elbow and back at work on Friday. harumph!!!
I was also so sick the last 2 weeks that i have not been my physically fit self.
My boyfriend has been away for the last 2 weeks and i have been partaking in candy bar dinners.
(not the fuel for even a lackadaisical champion).
Though I did learn recently that most heroin addicts enjoy the same type of dinners.
and more:
I worked over 40 hours in from wed-friday at what is supposed to be my part time job. Why? because G gave his 2 weeks notice around thanksgiving from his old job- so that he and his brother could open a new restaurant in newlondon, ct.
There has been a small glitch in the passing of the papers and he hasn't been able to find a job. This is the slow season for my work so, I have been working like a loon. and though I am thankful for this opportunity to work, it's been rough.
Needless to say old habits die hard so I am going to stop right here.
I am realizing a few things about my self today. I've been doing this since I learned how to speak. Some people talk about panic attacks or anxiety. I have to admit that i don't know what that feels like. And if I do, I ignore it. What happens to my is something I will now name "cryxiety". Sometimes i get overwhelmed and when I am trying to make a point- feel like I am going to cry.
It chokes me up and I have done this since i was a kid.
It would happen in school when a teacher would yell at me, or if i didn't know an answer to something. I would get teary and though I tried to fight it- i would just cry. I remember my father would tell me, "you know, your argument would stand more ground if you decided to hold back the tears". Quite funny in hindsight but some unwanted advice at the time. It has always been this way and my sensitivity to the general public is embarrassing and has become a part of me. The opposing force of this anecdote is that I am a highly excitable enthusiastic person. think tigger from winnie the pooh or just imagine an 8 year old boy. a running joke is that my car contains enough sport and activity equipment for a day camp. Volleyball net, soccer balls, tennis rackets, wiffle ball bat, roller blades. there were tiki torches at one time. So what's with all this crying from this seemingly happy active person? Why all of these tears? Where is this sadness brewing and brimming as tears at the most in opportune times.
2 things (which will turn in to a milion)
1. I have a hard time believing in my self...I don't realize this when it is happening. there are other times where I am delusional and over confident. 2. And sometimes I just make up an excuses. My boyfriend lovingly asks me where do I keep all of my excuses- because I seem to have an answer to everything. I have been in the process of shedding these excuses and accepting my self as I am how I am- where I am. they are really just lies that i tell myself (but they are in the vehicle of an explanation to someone else).
I feel some of these flaws coming back during teacher training. Maybe it is the physical and mental exhaustion. Maybe it is the vulnerability of trying something so new- when you feel like you know so little. But these old habits are rearing their argumentative heads.
And now for the excuses:
I hurt my elbow and back at work on Friday. harumph!!!
I was also so sick the last 2 weeks that i have not been my physically fit self.
My boyfriend has been away for the last 2 weeks and i have been partaking in candy bar dinners.
(not the fuel for even a lackadaisical champion).
Though I did learn recently that most heroin addicts enjoy the same type of dinners.
and more:
I worked over 40 hours in from wed-friday at what is supposed to be my part time job. Why? because G gave his 2 weeks notice around thanksgiving from his old job- so that he and his brother could open a new restaurant in newlondon, ct.
There has been a small glitch in the passing of the papers and he hasn't been able to find a job. This is the slow season for my work so, I have been working like a loon. and though I am thankful for this opportunity to work, it's been rough.
Needless to say old habits die hard so I am going to stop right here.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
but you do (n't) understand!
oh me oh my. the no internet has really daunted my writing on here. oops. I love how hilarious it is to me- that I don't write anymore without a pen and paper at all- though I do call myself a writer. I will try that this evening. I've actually muttered to myself while stuck at an airport (one of my most favorite things!!! <3) "I wish I could be writing on my laptop right now"- all the while I am sitting pretty with a pen and paper in my purse-that for some reason I wouldn't even consider using..welcome to the future?.)
long story short:
I just shipped my bf to ct. to go work at his restaurant he owns with his brothers. He couldn't find a job up here (after leaving his job to start a new restaurant with his brother- the paperwork was stalled and he needed a temporary job to maintain our household) and all the + thinking and openness to the universe that I could muster wasn't rubbing off on him. I kept telling him take a deep breath, breathe, honey you are wonderful, this is ok. You are talented. Please don't look at your phone waiting it to ring with this desperation. That is not who you are. Where do you want to be? let's picture ourselves there! I could see him- so sad, sullen, when he would inhale I actually heard him stutter his breath. I knew that this was actually hurting him physically now, and not only mentally. His rut was just too sad to observe and it took me away from the excitement I was feeling. I mean, we were passing over a hump or 2 (haha) but it is all good. I know in my heart that everything is better than fine- it is actually great. My openness to the gifts and abundance of the universe have revealed so many gifts. Material and spiritual. Just the other day a friend of G's showed up at our house with a kitchen counter and new sink faucet- while we were in the process of redoing our kitchen. I mean, come on! isn't that amazing? I found a guy selling kitchen cabinets for $20 on craigslist and they are usually $100 used!!.
But besides those material acquisitions, there has been so much more. G and I sat around and worked on the greatest stories together the other night. we were laughing about our childhood experiences. I grew up as a part time only child with a mom- who has the best intentions but continued a life of self rejection ever since my father left her (during her pregnancy). I am sure that was hard for her. And I love her for all that she's done. I remember as a kid being thankful that my dad left her when she was pregnant because that meant 1) I didn't have to blame myself for a divorce, 2) I knew then that they weren't 2 compatible people. How amazing for a kindergartner to not be a victim- when there are so many dramatic catalysts and scape goats presented to us when we discuss "a child of divorce". I went on to become stronger in this stance- always saying "I know that this makes me who I am, & I like myself". Although- puberty muddled up that confidence. I remember my most basic self and what my original inclination's were. And I think that's something beautiful. I am shocked to read in "you can change your life" that my childhood ailments of tubes in my ears from ear infections and having my adenoids removed- had to do with hearing things you don't want to hear, and friction in the home...I mean, give me a break! can you be more accurate??
Any hoot, I had everything. every toy you could ever want. I had so many books that I would issue them out to other kids in the neighborhood as my own library. But I didn't really have anything else. My mom to this day when she gives me a hug- it actually hurts my neck, because she just doesn't love herself..
G, on the other hand has 10 brothers and 2 sisters. He grew up in the jungles of Ecuador and has a mother that is the most loving woman I have ever encountered. He had "nothing" like, his first toy was when he was 10, it was a soccer ball and it popped an hour after he received it. He always tells me that he feels sorry for my toy laden up bringing with stiff hugs. I tell him there is no need! I think it is funny and it provides countess memoir material! I love this about us. I love that we get such a kick out of these stories- and can laugh about them for hours. We decided to start to keep track of his childhood memories and then after we compile all of his- we will book end them with mine.
The differences and the take he has on life is more than inspiration worthy. I think middle school aged kids an adults could get a kick and maybe a lesson or two from these amazing stories.
I was telling G, that I really think he has some chapters to close in his past and that the manner in which he "ran away" from it all when we moved here- well, he just seems to have had quite the trouble moving forward. He carries these old feelings with him- and I see it in his pride and sense of self. I think he is really going to make some progress and open himself up to the love of his amazing family- and begin to love himself once again.
It is also amazing to consider that the Louise Hay book references "ingrown toenails" as an ailment from the inability to "move forward" or feelings if guilt..Because upon our abrupt move to Boston, he was plagued with them. And trust me, it wasn't his shoes because I buy his shoes and they were the right size. He still wears the same shoes and magically has no more ingrown toenails.
Anyways. I am so excited for prana training! I have old fashion ways of thinking coming around my thought processes. LIke, I am not good enough at yoga for this, or I am not fit enough to teach anyone anything. But I know that isn't real. And that there is no judgement in yoga- and this is really just the beginning. If I am enriching myself in this manner just by reading books all by my lonesome I can't begin to wrap my brain & heart & lungs around the excitement and experience that is in store!!
When I read the email about the 10 page paper about which book- I was soooo pumped. Well, I was after all an english major and I was working on my mfa before we bought the house- and this is all I want to talk about right now so, I mean, well, YES!
I can't wait to get started!!!!
Lately I feel like I am about to burst. I feel like I have always known about this. And It is all just making perfected sense. i want to tell everyone " you can feel so great" just approve of yourself! but I know I am kind if annoying and have to refrain!
haha.
For example: my brother is 5'11 & 3/4" he says that his whole life dream as alittle boy was to be 6' tall. I told him, well, Ryan- if you do a consistent yoga practice I've heard and seen people gain almost an inch in their posture and stance. He suffered anxiety and panic as a kid- and channels it now into his ceramics- as an almost 'master' raku artist. He looked excited at first but then told me that if he did that- then he wouldn't be who he was. As he uses this analogy for the 'ho hum, woe is me" nature of his life. He wouldn't know who he would be if he achieved this goal.
well, thankfully he is young yet..and I know that he will love himself enough to get to where he wants to be. I also am learning that I can't do it for him or G. But tell me! why do I feel so much like I can?
long story short:
I just shipped my bf to ct. to go work at his restaurant he owns with his brothers. He couldn't find a job up here (after leaving his job to start a new restaurant with his brother- the paperwork was stalled and he needed a temporary job to maintain our household) and all the + thinking and openness to the universe that I could muster wasn't rubbing off on him. I kept telling him take a deep breath, breathe, honey you are wonderful, this is ok. You are talented. Please don't look at your phone waiting it to ring with this desperation. That is not who you are. Where do you want to be? let's picture ourselves there! I could see him- so sad, sullen, when he would inhale I actually heard him stutter his breath. I knew that this was actually hurting him physically now, and not only mentally. His rut was just too sad to observe and it took me away from the excitement I was feeling. I mean, we were passing over a hump or 2 (haha) but it is all good. I know in my heart that everything is better than fine- it is actually great. My openness to the gifts and abundance of the universe have revealed so many gifts. Material and spiritual. Just the other day a friend of G's showed up at our house with a kitchen counter and new sink faucet- while we were in the process of redoing our kitchen. I mean, come on! isn't that amazing? I found a guy selling kitchen cabinets for $20 on craigslist and they are usually $100 used!!.
But besides those material acquisitions, there has been so much more. G and I sat around and worked on the greatest stories together the other night. we were laughing about our childhood experiences. I grew up as a part time only child with a mom- who has the best intentions but continued a life of self rejection ever since my father left her (during her pregnancy). I am sure that was hard for her. And I love her for all that she's done. I remember as a kid being thankful that my dad left her when she was pregnant because that meant 1) I didn't have to blame myself for a divorce, 2) I knew then that they weren't 2 compatible people. How amazing for a kindergartner to not be a victim- when there are so many dramatic catalysts and scape goats presented to us when we discuss "a child of divorce". I went on to become stronger in this stance- always saying "I know that this makes me who I am, & I like myself". Although- puberty muddled up that confidence. I remember my most basic self and what my original inclination's were. And I think that's something beautiful. I am shocked to read in "you can change your life" that my childhood ailments of tubes in my ears from ear infections and having my adenoids removed- had to do with hearing things you don't want to hear, and friction in the home...I mean, give me a break! can you be more accurate??
Any hoot, I had everything. every toy you could ever want. I had so many books that I would issue them out to other kids in the neighborhood as my own library. But I didn't really have anything else. My mom to this day when she gives me a hug- it actually hurts my neck, because she just doesn't love herself..
G, on the other hand has 10 brothers and 2 sisters. He grew up in the jungles of Ecuador and has a mother that is the most loving woman I have ever encountered. He had "nothing" like, his first toy was when he was 10, it was a soccer ball and it popped an hour after he received it. He always tells me that he feels sorry for my toy laden up bringing with stiff hugs. I tell him there is no need! I think it is funny and it provides countess memoir material! I love this about us. I love that we get such a kick out of these stories- and can laugh about them for hours. We decided to start to keep track of his childhood memories and then after we compile all of his- we will book end them with mine.
The differences and the take he has on life is more than inspiration worthy. I think middle school aged kids an adults could get a kick and maybe a lesson or two from these amazing stories.
I was telling G, that I really think he has some chapters to close in his past and that the manner in which he "ran away" from it all when we moved here- well, he just seems to have had quite the trouble moving forward. He carries these old feelings with him- and I see it in his pride and sense of self. I think he is really going to make some progress and open himself up to the love of his amazing family- and begin to love himself once again.
It is also amazing to consider that the Louise Hay book references "ingrown toenails" as an ailment from the inability to "move forward" or feelings if guilt..Because upon our abrupt move to Boston, he was plagued with them. And trust me, it wasn't his shoes because I buy his shoes and they were the right size. He still wears the same shoes and magically has no more ingrown toenails.
Anyways. I am so excited for prana training! I have old fashion ways of thinking coming around my thought processes. LIke, I am not good enough at yoga for this, or I am not fit enough to teach anyone anything. But I know that isn't real. And that there is no judgement in yoga- and this is really just the beginning. If I am enriching myself in this manner just by reading books all by my lonesome I can't begin to wrap my brain & heart & lungs around the excitement and experience that is in store!!
When I read the email about the 10 page paper about which book- I was soooo pumped. Well, I was after all an english major and I was working on my mfa before we bought the house- and this is all I want to talk about right now so, I mean, well, YES!
I can't wait to get started!!!!
Lately I feel like I am about to burst. I feel like I have always known about this. And It is all just making perfected sense. i want to tell everyone " you can feel so great" just approve of yourself! but I know I am kind if annoying and have to refrain!
haha.
For example: my brother is 5'11 & 3/4" he says that his whole life dream as alittle boy was to be 6' tall. I told him, well, Ryan- if you do a consistent yoga practice I've heard and seen people gain almost an inch in their posture and stance. He suffered anxiety and panic as a kid- and channels it now into his ceramics- as an almost 'master' raku artist. He looked excited at first but then told me that if he did that- then he wouldn't be who he was. As he uses this analogy for the 'ho hum, woe is me" nature of his life. He wouldn't know who he would be if he achieved this goal.
well, thankfully he is young yet..and I know that he will love himself enough to get to where he wants to be. I also am learning that I can't do it for him or G. But tell me! why do I feel so much like I can?
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