chchchchanges...

some things I've noticed since teacher training.

I wear bright colors all of the time. I used to wear black alot.
I spend even more time alone. I already would retreat to my house and exist in my blissful world of books & Beatrice (kitten) but now, with G gone for a bit & not really feeling like drinking or eating out in restaurants- it is wonderful to retreat for a bit.

I sleep better.
I call people and animals "love".
I eat better. Lot's of vegetables, not as much fruit. Water, tea etc....
Hmmm, I 'll take it!

I also don't really feel like I'm connecting with a lot of my social-time friends. But, I guess that's ok. I've been connecting with myself so very much- that I suppose there isn't really time to. the usual suspects are still my numero uno's & 2's. I was giggling to my best friend and to myself that if i was in any other romantic relationship from my past during this training: I would probably have to break up with my boo after this experience. I am super pleased that G is on my level, always has been always will be, & teaches me so much every day! He is my number 1 love (besides myself)! And the poor guy has been sucking down psyllium husk & doing vegetable detox programs that I dream up in my head ever since we learned about those tricks in class!
There is a part of me that wants to tell everyone I know or meet to jump aboard! but I know that people can't jump aboard until they are ready and seek these changes themselves. I am eternally thankful to this experience.

lessons in learning

A few theme's from this weekend were: relationships>mother's>forgiving oneself.

You still here? Heavy. As a former horrible child, participant in unhealthy relationships, number 1 critic to myself, this was relevant to say the very least.

When I went to nyc to participate in Mike Daisey's monologue seminar I started my monologue with "My biggest fear is that when I speak my mother's eulogy, no one will believe I'm sad"

I've come pretty far since then. And I've forgiven my self for a lot. But with the practice of meditation it seems the quest never ends. New thoughts arise and I let them go. Some of my favorite statements from fellow teacher trainee's were loosely along the lines of 'there are 1,000 chances to start over' or you have a "million turns" to turn it all around, or sometimes the "one's who go through the most early on, end up having them most to give", or the cherry on top: "looking back at myself back then is like looking at someone else's life"

Hey fellow yoga trainee's it's official. You are Teacher's.

crazy kids

More than beyond the 1/2 way mark. I begin to prepare for nostalgia (just kidding! I enjoy every moment)

This weekend was kick ass. Mary Kaye, a spung spring of light poured into the room & infectiously entertained us all with her spirit & laughter.
This realm of teaching is something I feel is more in line with my authentic self. Even though, I originally started this with no intention to ever teach..haha, did I mention that?
I had already registered for Karma Kids teacher training in nyc & wasn't sure if it was legit. I was pleased to hear that it was a program that she recommended. I bought 2 of her books, one for kids and the other for teens. Both will blend nicely with my non profit aspirations once training is over.

I haven't really addressed my non profit project in this forum, but I will once the website is launched officially.
My pal designed my logo and it makes me want to scream out with delight and anticipation for this project I created.

We had a pretty intense sutra bowl meditation with Jacqui on sat. I had the strangest thoughts and memories come up during this meditation/yoga practice and in the end it felt good to let it go. It's amazing what your brain allows to come up while you "practice" meditation.

During paper presentations emotions were churning on both days. It was funny b/c (sorry for what I am about to say next) I realized I was more emotional because I was 'dropping eggs' as I like to call it- or as polite people like to say, at a place in my cycle where I was more emotional than usual. There was a lot of talk about failed relationships & rejection. It's amazing how we all really go through the same pain in our own ways. I feel that I can relate to every presenter. And not in that "well, let me tell you about mahself...." kind of way. In a sincere module of compassion & empathy.

I was reading The Anatomy of the Spirit and the author speaks of our emotional experience and how they form our blue print- so to speak for health. I know that for some it is impossible to accept this, but It makes me wonder about the years of depression/self loathing, eating disorders, drug use, to name a few and what they did to me physically. I guess there is no time like the present to proactively treat and suppress those reactions.

The more I write, the more I think I should probably post my paper- that would be a lot easier than regurgitating it all up.
(oops!)

We talked again about the reading- I am learning intense lessons on judgement in every respect, shape and form.

People judge the books, people judge other people, do I judge people who judge the books that I wasn't judging?

it's pretty funny and interesting to think about. I want to work on accepting other people's approaches to the readings, lecturers, etc...Just because I am so open and fluttering around like 12 year old at a sleepover seance doesn't men I am right or crazy- haha. I am so thankful to be receptive to all of the readings- but for some that isn't possible right now.

It doesn't mean I'm crazy and it doesn't mean I'm right.

I guess it's back to Marianne Williamson's quote that "we are not policing the universe"


My recommended order of the readings (in hopes to stave off resistance) would be:
Heart of Yoga
Moving into Stillnes
Deepak Chopra
Marianne Williamson,
Miracles
Louise Hay
Abraham Hicks

It's all not for everyone. But I applaud those who try!

throw in the Sutra's wherever- which I ended up loving in the end...

all roads lead to..

Another awesome weekend breeds a new awesome week.
I learned a lot this weekend. I learned more about my stuff. I was challenged and more than survived.
We had a good weekend of naturapathy & physical teachings which I loved. My cousin has been a holistic N.D. for over 10 years now and my great grandmother, Gi Gi was a christian scientist way before like curing like or hydrotherapy was even remotely accepted. I think this way of life is in my blood. Lisa, my cousin has been mailing me herbs & suggesting remedies for years now- so I am lucky and open to it. A pretty neat commonality or message from the universe is our links to Ecuador. Before lisa met her husband (they are now expecting their first child in august, due date, Gi gi's birthday :) she spent time in Ecuador (she recalls as one of the most favorite times of her life) studying herbs with some famous cancer research lady from vermont. I remember sitting by my mom's pool listening to Lisa tell me how she wanted to sell all of her belongings and move to a cement house by the beach in Ecuador. She also went on to tell me all about her shamanism experiences as I hung on every word..I thought that was pretty cool because I'd always looked up to Lisa since we were kids. Our mothers (sisters) on the other hand, were appauled & horrified by this desire of hers. She ended up meeting her husband and decided to open her practice in Portland so Ecuador has been postponed. Years later I met G, who ironically is from, you guessed it: Ecuador! He and I always talk about using some of his land for a type of resort or language center. But, now I am opening my self to the possibility of a retreat or meditation facet to this project.
I've been researching places for retreats that I could attend when finished with the training and came across this amazing place near Guayquill Ecuador sacred-journey.com - this couple is like a reverse G & I. Ecuadorian female matched with an American male. She is a shaman. Amazing. Anyways, I feel a very strong link to Ecuador in my life- in a larger scheme- bigger than the commonalities between G and Lisa- and I am excited to research it further. Did I mention my 1st roomate in college was from...well, you probably can guess: Ecuador. At that time- I was pretty sheltered and eurocentric in my travel and study and didn't even know where Ecuador was! a horrible testament to public education! haha.

Ok, tangent...Anyways there was some resistance this weekend to our knowledgeable teacher Mary. There was one point where she was clearing her throat over and over, and had to drink water when I thought- holy crap! this is the throat chakra thing taylor was talking about! The resistance of the collective group is actually affecting Mary!
I wanted to give her a hug. and tell her how much I appreciate her participation. I think the resistance to this is normal- I mean we have medical students, atheists, cynics, sports medicine people in the group- it's hard to lose your school of thought. But I feel sorry for the non accepting students- because it is such a wonderful world to venture into.

It makes me even think about the U of Bridgeport's ND program. a thought I've always entertained lightly. I'll meditate on it and see what transpires.

ANy hoot. We capped the weekend off with Jacqui. I really love that one too. It was hard for me though because I was assigned to lead the flow at the very end of the day- to the entire group. It kind of shocked me out of my comfort zone of my group of peers and now friends..but I was thankful for it because now I'm not afraid of that happening anymore- I did it.
It was hard though and the energy was ROUGH!! I had them do lion pose with their tongues out and strong exhales to remove the heated fire of disdain from their eyes!!! haha. But it didn't work. I did my best and can't pick apart what I did. But Jacqui sure did!! hahahahaha! It was with love but it almost made me tear up at the very end. While we were kept there till 9:30 for feedback. It was the same resentful energy from when I led the flow :P
During my flow I was having a hard time with a certain section of the group. They were talking and giggling and it really made me feel unnerved. It was a great lesson- & Jacqui made a beautiful point of how we as teachers can't take anything personally.
We need a strong backbone and a thick skin. Point taken. As we did feedback I got good stuff- everyone liked the lions pose, I said some awkward lines. but that's fine- I did it to this large group that I was very intimidated by!! I am proud of myself. Towards the end of the flow I did something kind of weird. Really feeling the energy that the class had enough a dozen students or so led the flow already- I tried to transition them from gratitude pose towards the front of the room- to warrior II to triangle towards the back of the room. It was bold and pretty audacious. But, I just could feel that people were struggling- with half the room in childs pose & daggers in their eyes. Some feedback from my fellow teacher trainee's was really +. One even told me that he actually thought to himself while in gratitude- "If I were teaching I would shift us to left side triangle- to eliminate the vinyasa & be done" so I'm pleased as punch about that. I know that I was receptive to the energy of the room. I also know that I would never try to lead a group of beginners to do something like that- and my instruction was more than jolty and awkward. Jacqui really wanted to get the lesson across that I should have never done that. And I get it. I didn't intentionally do it- I was just in the moment and that's what I did. I don't regret it. But during feedback I felt like- the reprimands I was receiving like my instruction could have been shaved down a bit. It was really repetitive and was really really harsh. I am sure that my reaction or sensitivity rather, is my own stuff- but I also do think that people have all different learning styles & for me- publicly being scolded for 5 minutes on why I shouldn't have ever dared to try to to that- after a really long day just kind of made me sad. It feels good to get this out so that I may + move forward. I adore the feedback and the teacher who gave it to me, but the lesson was tough love! Something I never really meshed with. And reason # 456 why I would never join the army..I wanted to say- "I just wanted to end the flow, the back room was giggling & talking- I am a really shy public speaker & this was a really hard for me, to lead the ENTIRE group LAST..I would never dream of trying such an awkward transition to a class of beginners..I thought I was "reading"the room" (which after several comments saying that's what they wanted to do- I was) but I couldn't speak, or find my voice or I would cry..I've never taken criticism well (who does really?) & My mom always says I'm too sensitive. It was interesting because last week a student claimed to be "bored with the flow" and made us do all of these icky transitions & she got in trouble too, during her scolding I don't think I was as compassionate as I should've been- especially after experiencing mine..at the end of the session random people came up to me & said I did a good job- but I couldn't really thank them as adamantly as I wished; since I was almost on the verge of tears.I guess it just proves that as a teacher: I need a thicker skin & a stronger backbone. Note to self :)

I went to my car cleared my energy and felt a whole lot better. And now, as I bow with gratitude in my mind I promise it is with no awkward transition to triangle.

love is in the air

no seriously. it is. I can feel it. It's real & it's there.

Yesterday at work everyone was telling me how much they love & appreciate me.
People have been responding to me in different more positive ways.
i don't see any other way for them to.

It all really feels good. I love it.
and it's all because I feel good.

So far, teacher training has been one of the most transformative experiences ever................<3

what in the? astrology

too accurate, hook line & sink me

You might feel as if you need to explain something you did recently, but examine your motives first before you quickly say you're sorry. Of course, an apology is in order if you truly overstepped your bounds. But don't just go through the motions and pretend that you regret your behavior if your intentions were clear. Remember, you are not responsible for how others react to your direct approach.

rome wasn't built in 200 hours (but it was repaired greatly!)

Hmmmm, pause. Hmmmm.
The Universe is trying to teach me something and I think I kind of know what it is...I need to be more tolerant.
ready set go:
An Ode to my part time job. While I work 3 shifts a week at a local bar/music venue/ pub as a server, floor manager and sometimes bartender; I have endured many tests of will and composure. I've always worked in restaurants. I retired from bartending officially, 5 years ago when G & I moved in together. It just didn't make sense to me to work until 3 am on my feet, catering to drunk people, with someone I love waiting for me at home. But, that's just me. I pick up shifts here & there. But I don't need to come home to the birds chirping for $300 a shift. It's also quite hard to be productive the next day when leading a double life. I'm not knocking it! it has provided me with friends, lessons, $$, funny situations etc...but it's just not really for me anymore (though there are times 'in the moment- where dare I say- I enjoy it!! but I would enjoy anything :)

So, Wed-Fri evenings (temporarily thurs too) I work at the restaurant. It's monetarily worth it- but it is taxing on your psyche! & toes. People can be mean. Customers, managers, co workers, etc...Sometimes I think I need to write a packet called server zen to help people who go through this meat grinder. I was a legend at an old job from when I first moved to Cambridge. Story goes: a gentleman found it a royal treat to tell me 'suffice' was a "big word for a waitress". Tired from being on my feet all day and short fused from dealing with meanie's all day- I was faced with the choice: comment or cry. I chose to respond- Fighting the lump in my throat I asked him "with suffice at 7 letters, how did he feel about condescending, was that also a big word, for a waitress like me?" His entire table applauded me. It didn't feel that great to retaliate but it was a better option than crying in the bathroom! haha! them's was the days.

It's rough though. And throughout training I've wished that I didn't have to be in this spot. I know that I don't. But it is something that I know in my heart is not that hard to endure. And a good way to store up some $, while G is home in ct. In the beginning It was pretty rough to come down from yoga and show up on the floor, ready to serve! Funny things would happen- i think the universe's way to tell me to run for the door!!! Little things like my apron straps would just break and my apron would be impossible to tie with shredded straps.
The owner (who is an entry in herself) would say strange comments- spew lies & embellishments that at times were seemingly impossible to ignore. Everyone is kind of angry in a restaurant. They are musicians, artists, dancer's, PHd students, few people work here as there sole gig. So there is a lot of- holier than though behavior...egocentric stuff.

But it's all temporary. It this too shall pass! especially when you apply it to each shift. it really does :)
In a way I adore this side of my life experience. I will never be mean to a customer service employee, I ask the how they are, I am more than considerate & I always tell them right away, don't worry about me or my table- we are not here to trip you up, or run you around. It lightens their evening.

But, this week I've had a new lesson in the restaurant bizz. Since my successful tuning out of the crazy owner- who reminds my of Ursula on the LIttle Mermaid. i've channeled a new lesson. There is a co worker who I can't seem to connect with.
She is sweet but there is a desperation that for some reason i can't get past. I keep trying. I go into the bathroom and breathe. I picture her as child just wanting love and acceptance (well that was easy because the universe presented me with her mother, when they came into dinner the other night!). I don't know what it is, But it's happened before. I think it's a certain kind of desperation. But, I am working on my acceptance levels. It is my job on Thurs. to manage the floor, seat people, trouble shoot, grab drinks, run the show. This is my 2nd week with this particular employee & we do not work well together. She see's me more as her maid, and angrily tells customers to "order through her" and tells me "i'm ruining her flow" i told her this isn't about flow and that it is my job to up sell the tables and essentially increase the checks...I'm not here as her busser, though I am more than happy to clear and bus her tables- i feel that she is threatened by me. I am very efficient and for the most part light hearted at work- I am smiley (and usually chanting affirmations in my head hahaha! but it works)
I finally had to step away and stop helping because the energy was so bad. But, it was bothersome & worst of all- it wasn't even real, and even more worst of all: why do I allow this to bother me?


Eventually she came around and the work situation became more tolerable. But sometimes I feel like the universe is telling my to run from my life from this industry, as it has provided me with much cash but not without sadness or suffering on some minor levels. If I had a dollar for everytime I cried in a bathroom at a restaurant job- I would have financed this entire teacher training- haha, ok, well maybe one $$ installment.

I don't know. I think I need to breathe and check in with my authentic self here. What does this say about me? I am letting her get to me, what about me- do I need to deal with?
You can imagine my surprise when I saw her at prana taking an hour of power on thursday...ok!!! I get it! I need on work on this. It was even harder to hear her explain why she couldn't do certain poses or how she was sore, or how she didn't come to the class for any self reflection, that she just wanted a work out! Ok, I know somehow this interaction will make me a better teacher and person. And I am willing to open my self to it. I'm done putting up the fight. So present it to me, And I am willing to calibrate.

waiting for a miracle...

So, this is typical me. I live in my own blissful bubble. There is no logic. It is alliteration, symbols, you know, whimsical things.

here are some examples of my world:
1. I thought the welcome to Massachusetts sign was a large brown abstract art blob. It wasn't until 2 years ago that I drove by it with my glasses on and realized it is in fact a turkey. Now, considering I have only lived in Boston for 5 years..that's not so bad. But, I grew up in ct & went to college in Western Mass- so this is a lifetime of spacing out on drives & thinking- "oh what a nice brown blob on that huge sign that reads "welcome to Mass" nothing unusual about that (I'm not even going to discuss how long it took me to realize that the Ma Pike signs are adorned with pilgrim hats not squigly lines and shapes...)

2. when asked to find the center of a piece of paper in 10th grade geometry with a ruler or a protractor or something, I decided to fold the paper in half top to bottom and left to right, & made a dot in the center. Yes, I was the most accurate center finder..but the teacher didn't appreciate my approach.

There are more but I forget...so any hoot, I love my world. I was reminded of this when we were in class and everyone kept referencing "miracles" I evidently missed that one book on the syllabus. I was under the impression that everyone was openly talking about actual "miracles" like a very friendly inside joke... I eventually realized there is a book called Miracles. I plan to finish it tonight and plot out my desires/ like it says to. I am excited to do this!!!
I sucked up those books like some kind of crazy bright yellow infomercial cloth-and was looking for my own books to continue this literary journey.

I found a good one called The Spirit of Anatomy about an intuitive doctor that was pretty great.
But I am happy to find this little gem that I missed on the syllabus.

my new favorite thing is to google image themed words for my blog when I don't have a picture in mind. The above one is "beautiful miracle"

Reiki experience

I've been opening my self up to so many new things lately. It really is so amazing.
I went to a free reiki workshop at Open doors in Braintree the other day. It was pretty cool. During class some students seem to get mad or sad during certain meditations. I don't really experience that, I just feel really good and pretty much check out. Or maybe I'm really checking in. WHo knows. My yearning to experience something- good or bad reminds me of being a kid and wanting braces or a cast or something like that to stand out...I am 1/2 kidding because I am also happy that maybe- maybe? I have already worked out some stuck energy prior to practicing these meditations on my own time. When I went to the Reiki room I met a really nice, gentle, informative mom/retired school librarian aged woman who asked me if I wanted her to help with anything in particular. Not really, I thought. I'm just here (again!) for the ride. There was no ailment or emotion I wanted to heal or focus on. I just wanted to experience what it was before I went forward to learn more. I also had heard that the Reiki would go where it was needed no matter what- so what are ya going to do? My entire love affair with the ocean is based on the fact that it is bigger than me- so this is kind of the same thing :)
She set me up on her table and opened her self up to the Reiki. As she placed her hands on me- it just felt good. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to feel this goodness. Taking in what it felt like to have my vibration at such an amazing place. It reminded me of when I was really really young- probably around 4 years old and was at my babysitters house. The sun was shining and I was looking at the linoleum fake 1980's brick kitchen floor and for some reason I felt a warm felling in my little heart & said to myself "this is what love feels like" I've felt it at many other points in my life. But at that particular instance there was color, light, feeling, & a little child's intention to remember this- or catalogue this feeling. It was also an internal love. I felt it within myself. The sun shining probably helped too. As she placed her hands all along my body it felt better and better. At the end she asked me what it felt like for me and I replied with "really good" haha, She said some energy was strong from my feet and that normally she would have intuition about this- but didn't today. I can't think of what that could be- But I did wear fancy heeled booties to work that day so maybe my dogs were barking. Just kidding. I really am proud of myself for allowing my self to open up to these new experiences & not just talk about it.

chakra kahn

Gosh this is just so beautiful!
I can't get enough of this yoga teacher training. I want to devour it, slurp it, inhale it, hug it, kiss it, cherish it, thank it!
And more!

Today was my turn to lead the flow. I did so so much better than before. Progress feels kick ass!
I think it's kind of kismet that G (my honey) is away for this process. Coming home alone, being quiet. Nestled in my bed, loving my self in my skin (my friend says I belong in Argentina because they have a reputation for loving themselves & yes most of the time so do I- so sue me! who knew it was so rare to really enjoy yourself) But training, man- It's kind of like a spa get away without the massages & smell of lavender.
I have to say I wasn't as nervous this time. Well, a bit. But leaps & bounds and then a few yards away from the last time. I need to work on my verbage, sanskrit, walking about & general flow. But I did so much better and it felt so good.

Today we did chakra's with Jacqui. She is a breath of fresh air. Me loves her! I find it amazing what speaks to different people of the class. I love the chakra work, the meditation, the stillness. While when I sit back & observe I hear people say how much they loathe it: I don't relate to that, but I think maybe some of them will eventually open their hearts to the concept a little more. And then again, I can't do a side crow- we all have different strengths.
When we do chakra meditation or flow- my shavasana is hallucinatory (I just got clearance from spell check that- it is a REAl word btw!~yee haw). I actually heard people saying they felt sick from the chakra work today. I think they will feel better tomorrow.
It's hard to wrap your head around- but if you open your heart to it; the experience is undeniable..
I leave my body- trancey non sleep & experience sensations I've never known before.
It's the best. And by far my favorite part. Gone are the days when I would do my shopping list during shavasana (yes, that is true, I really used to do that).
I want meditate all the livelong day
and again am so thankful for this experience.

todays horoscope: uncannily related to previous post

Although others might not mind it when progress slows down today, your frustration can boil over to create additional problems. Upon further analysis, you could discover that the resistance you now face is not circumstantial. You have placed limits on yourself that are based upon old fears or a memory that suddenly resurfaces. Don't push too hard; it could take a while for you to get it right, even if you can let go of the past.

go with the flow

so the Universe is presenting me with some confusing new situations.
As you may recall- my boyfriend is in ct (where we are from) working at the restaurant he owns with his brother.
We decided for him to go back there because he was not enjoying his work life as a pizzeria owner. We sold the pizza place (after many convo's of "this is not where food is going!" led by me). It was long days & icky food. Nothing local- no flair or passion behind the dishes. We are strong and dedicated to our relationship and have been for 5 years now. The longer we are together the more I begin to wonder why we don't just get married- when he emotionally asks me after every wedding we attend :) So, we know in our hearts this temporary distance is nothing more than a blink.
G is a very good chef having worked in nyc and all over. He was slummin' with the pizzeria's up in Boston, of late.
Well, needless to say I was thinking of our mortgage & our superficial concerns when I sent him to ct. But I also wanted him to get back in touch with his family. I wanted this because I knew it was what he truly wanted. His mom, dad & 7 of his 9 brothers and 2 sisters live & work at this ct restaurant. I knew in my heart that the family needed some much needed reparation from his abrubt leaving 5 years ago (Looooong story- he left the family restaurant to start a restaurant with his ex- they split, she got violent, he & I moved to Boston & he left her the restaurant they had just opened- this took me a long time to forgive, since it was his life dream to open this restaurant & she seemed to reap the rewards of a failed relationship by being 'unruly' & crazy- needless to say his family couldn't forgive him either for leaving her the restaurant, as they were never married & she had a very violent past, whew! I wrote a screenplay about this if anyone wants to hear more). Any hoot! His Family & he are back and it is a true joy to see. He is making his favorite cuisine & is looking refreshed & less tired- more & more each day. He is himself again. Sometimes I think the universe- or he, himself was withholding his successes until he repaired the breaks with his family- as they are close bunch! I think he needed to grow on his own. But now I think it's time to return home..
I'm here in Cambridge- working and doing the yoga training. I've been in my own little world of contentment of late- but yesterday was a different kind of day. I visited G for the night- we were working on photo's to make a cook book for his restaurant. He is currently staying at his brothers house in the basement, which in suburbia is more like a garden level downstairs. Sleeping on the floor, temporarily. It is hard to visit. There is no 'place' to stay. I start to think about the idea of moving back home & I am stagnant. I try to figure out what to do with the home I own in Cambridge. That is in an 'upcoming' neighborhood & is such a wonderful little spot. I know that I could sell it and make a profit- or I can wait 2 or 3 years and really move ahead. I could also hold on to it forever as a rental..be careful of your possessions for they can own you..these annoying equations prance thru my mind.

When I am visiting ct, I go so far as to miss the color of the walls of my house in boston- which I know I could recreate any day. I miss my "walking' life of anonymity. I can walk anywhere & easily forget where my car is parked. Something unthinkable in the New Haven Continuum. I always want to say I <3 my pedestrian life, but the dictionary, not literal definition of 'pedestrian' as an adjective is: lacking enchantment with the present, or dull, I think that is hilariously ironic!!! I remember when I first moved here, how I would always say I missed the beach at home. So, I know that when we move we will be beachside- my favorite place to be.
But, I feel restless & unable to make up my mind.
I phoned G once I got back to Cambridge & we were talking about bills, or rather "I" was talking about bills and legal fee's he has coming up for some paperwork. He reminded me that this week he couldn't put his check in our bank account, He needed it for the lawyer. I don't know what happened but I started to cry. Even though I don't mind being here alone (I mean I have the kitten with me:) I felt the pressure of running our house- trying to uproot- working really hard to uphold our 'empire' of home, car- etc...& I started to cry. I just felt a little left flat. I know that worrying about the $ is counter productive and it wasn't that. Part of me feels like that little cry- was like a cleanse. So that I may move forward to the next chapter in our lives- without resentment. It made me realize that it isn't the bill paying that is satisfying. It also made me reflect that maybe I am going against the current- in my staying up here. My goals for my life- have always been to write, be creative with my projects and to one day, be a mom. Pretty Basic. Thankfully now, I have yoga on that list. I think I have the tools to be happy wherever I land.
When it comes down to it, life is pretty easy, if you allow it to be.
I think of us having children & of how happy and rich their family life would be with his clan and mine all round. I think about what do I really identify with in my adult life- and if it's just being 'away' from home then, there is way way way more that I need to acknowledge. I've been meditating for clarity and I can feel progress. But I think what I really need to do is reflect on my attachment- not only to the possession of the actual house- but the self that usually 'returns home' the expected baggage etc...Is it possible to still be me & return to the place I grew up? WHy is anonymity so important to me? WHo or what am I hiding from? I've been myself for years- why is this so threatening...When I know in my heat that I will be happy wherever I land. And most importantly: why isn't there a Prana Studio in New Haven connecticut!!! :)

Feeling good (google image of feeling good)

catch up!

so, where do I begin...

There is a lot going on- but I will first start with today.
Because really? what else matters. I just got home from the howah of powah.
which makes me giggle. I woke up this morning like it was Christmas ready, peppy,
full of excitement to go to an am practice. The 6:15, or the 9:30. I did some work from home and
decided the 9.30 would be better. I drove to the studio. Parked my car. Poured my 25cents in the meter and
NOTHING.
the meter was broken. I was working with about 4 minutes until class & really try not to be late- so I was at a loss.
I have a hunch I am 1 ticket away from a boot- haha! & couldn't risk the timing of the meter maid or meter lad
with a ticket....I sat there. hmmm, why isn't this working? I think. WHy in the world would the universe not want me
to attend this righteous class. I didn't really think much more about it. Wasn't mad or irritated. Just going with the flow.
I went to grab a coffee (oops!) & killed some time with errands I should have done anyways. Knowing fully I would try this again at noon!
The howah of powah and I used to not get along. I used to look at it as yoga blue balls (sorry!)- gearing you up- & leaving you flat! But I took a few with Sue, my 1st ever prana teacher & I saw the light. There is no contest of time...That hour is hard! & I can leave it sometimes, more tired than any 90 minute session.

Ok. Let's try again. This time quarters in my pocket- enough for several broken meters- I park and arrive at the studio.
Class begins. It's everything I need. And "AHA!" I know why I missed the earlier classes,

This particular class was with a teacher I never had before. A nice teacher, knowledgeable, smiley etc...but there was something missing. the class was great but the energy was low low low low low. It was the lesson I needed for my teacher training. At that moment. I have a lower voice. I could very easily fall into that type of sound. I don't want to do that.

Even though my intention is to go through the process of this yoga teacher training & probably use it towards my non profit projects & personal growth- I don't know if i plan to really teach in this setting. I am open to it. But I am not sure.
Through out my life, ever since puberty I have had strange struggles with public speaking. I lost my mo jo so to speak, literally, around 6th grade re: wanting to be the center of attention, and though I've been slowly getting it back through rigorous situations I put my self into to break out of it- old habits die hard or more specifically- old habits die a very slow motion, lingering death.

I've been in writing seminars to break me of this (when I was working on my MFA). I went to a monologue seminar in tribeca with my favorite actor/writer/monologuist Mike Daisy (with a bunch or 'real' actors), which was amazingly terrifying! I've been consciously living my best life over the last few years to be the 'real me'.

The real me who isn't afraid of presenting herself to a crowd. The real me who isn't self conscious. Because usually- most of the time- really seriously: usually, I am not self conscious.
I love working through this "stuff" and I am feeling lighter every day as a result.
I am thankful for this experience and every day is the best lesson!!!

I know who I am- and I need to let that shine, regardless of old habits. I am willing to change :)


I am feeling so great right now. The other day during teacher training we were all sitting around when Jenee was talking about reiki & meditation: the outside world was dark but lit by colorful lights and beams. The windows were fogged with our breath & heat- Outside sounds of 'after it rains- and cars were humming by. And I felt a blanket of pure contentmet.
SO, beautiful that I almost felt like crying- when you do at a wedding. The good kind. Like at the end of the Thorton Wilder Play 'Our Town' When Emily aks if humans ever appreciate their world- while they are in it.
Or for an easier example: when Annie & Daddy Warbucks reunite & tapdance the night away at the carnival.

Infact- I feel this well of contentment & pure joy: right now.

cocooning

Wow this Training really works!
haha! I mean it. My little brother says stuff like that all the time & I scoff at him. He's 25 & he'll say "You know, I'm really growing up" or "I've matured so much" and the old-older sister cynic in me would think "YA RIGHT" show me a person who tells me they've changed & I'll show you miles to go.

But, I think this is true.
I feel change a brewin' And I see it in my life.
I've been renting a room in my home the past month for extra $, while G's been away.
There was this great girl who was going to rent it- and then I got an email from some kid with a golden doodle and I was hypnotized like a Barracuda to a shiny object. The funny thing is I don't really have that "oh my goodness doggie" gene.
But I always thought golden doodle's were cool.
I received his email and it said he had a dog & he was in a bind. I said to myself "if he says golden doodle he's in"
Wait for the email reply: what kind of dog? GOLDENDOODLE. Ok, I think . done.

He moves in. Things start to unfold that are undesirable. His youth becomes apparent. I am no old hen. But I'm 30. Been through college, grad school, real life situations- been on my own since I was thru with my B.A. I've had all types of roommates. I've rented rooms, shared houses, etc. Been there!
So, anyways.
exhibit A.
I'm working at my part time job (another entry entirely!). My phone rings. The kid who rents the room is on the phone, he asks me if he can use an outlet in my room to cut his hair?
huh? there are outlets in his room..why my room? He says his outlets are being used. haha, I think. Those pesty- cemented in outlets, it's so hard to unplug a chord nowadays. But I kindly tell him- I think his own room would suffice for his haircutting.
exhibit B.
He consumes my food & beverages. Ask him nicely to replace: 2 weeks. no replacing...
I could go on- but I'll save this one for last.
3 am Saturday morning. Drunk he invites his friends to sleep over and plugs in a machine to pump up his aerobed...It sounded like machine guns. Not ok.
I go out to the hall and tell him that this isn't ok. And that I don't think I need to remind him that this isn't a dorm.
He tells me his friends are too drunk to take cabs. Hmm, Thats what I thought cabs were for? drunk people.
Any hoot. Go to yoga training the next day. Realize this has to end. I need to give him the facts: this isn't working. We are clearly living different lifestyles. I don't feel that it is my job to teach him how to cohabitate in this type of communal setting. I don't think the respect is there. I am not judging his way of life- I just don't think we work with simpatico.

We talk. I tell him. I remain calm. No confrontation. Tell him he's paid up till April 1st- but I'd like him to find another place by then. Tell him I'm in no way judging him- it's just not a good fit. This feels good. To be Honest, but still compassionate. No digs. No drama. This is the truth. Wow. I ask him to please be respectful for the remaining month.
He seems to register.

The old me would have been a little more harsh. I would have pointed out things that would have hurt his feelings. I would have said that I disagree with how he treats his dog. Caged all day in a dark room. Crying & Whimpering. I would've commented on his lack of knowledge of how to clean or sweep bathrooms or floors. I would've said he blows his nose & clears his throat too much & too loudly. Or, Him telling his poor dog to "shut up" 10x a day is more disruptive than the poor pup.
Those would've been digs.
I would've said them & felt guilty after. That is a horrible way to be. In my willingness to change- I am thankful and dare I say proud with how I handled this strange renter situation.
I am growing! But I still have miles to go......... :)

avocado's my new bff

So, I've been trying my hand at a few things of late.

One is my diet.

For the last 3 days I decided to put my best foot forward and go raw.
Just for 3 days no pressure- no judgement. Just give it a shot.

Avocado's happened to be on sale for 99cents each so I felt like it was a sign to go for it!

I don't have fancy raw food gear like a juicer or a food dehydrator. But I do have a best friend from growing up
who gave me his raw food cook book and I regularly read his blog: rawfoodfrank.wordpress.com

But, I didn't use it. I just spent my days blending avocado's & tomatoes or Kale or carrots in my magic bullet
and gave it a go. I know that there are food pairing no no's with the raw food lifestyle, but Rome wasn't built in a day- so I started with an intention to not mix fruit & vegetables (except when I used coconut water as my base in my smoothies).
I started off with good fats. Almond smoothie's, avocado smoothie's. Upped my Bananna consumption. Kept it on the fatty side- since I was making a major diet change. I wanted to do this for a few reasons. 1. to see how my body would feel. 2. to see if my skin would be happier (as my previous week of cheese & sausage was murder on my face) & 3. well, because I was a vegetarian for 8 years & I knew I could do it!!!

And guess what? I wasn't hungry for one minute. With my regular yoga practice my body was actually getting the proper nourishment it needed & I felt really good.
On Saturday after training I was craving fresh mozzarella: so I got it. No big deal. Ate a little- maybe needed some protein.
I didn't feel like a jerk for doing it. It was just what I wanted at that time.

I think this is going to be a good thing to integrate into my lifestyle. But let's just see how it goes.