catch up!
so, where do I begin...
There is a lot going on- but I will first start with today.
Because really? what else matters. I just got home from the howah of powah.
which makes me giggle. I woke up this morning like it was Christmas ready, peppy,
full of excitement to go to an am practice. The 6:15, or the 9:30. I did some work from home and
decided the 9.30 would be better. I drove to the studio. Parked my car. Poured my 25cents in the meter and
NOTHING.
the meter was broken. I was working with about 4 minutes until class & really try not to be late- so I was at a loss.
I have a hunch I am 1 ticket away from a boot- haha! & couldn't risk the timing of the meter maid or meter lad
with a ticket....I sat there. hmmm, why isn't this working? I think. WHy in the world would the universe not want me
to attend this righteous class. I didn't really think much more about it. Wasn't mad or irritated. Just going with the flow.
I went to grab a coffee (oops!) & killed some time with errands I should have done anyways. Knowing fully I would try this again at noon!
The howah of powah and I used to not get along. I used to look at it as yoga blue balls (sorry!)- gearing you up- & leaving you flat! But I took a few with Sue, my 1st ever prana teacher & I saw the light. There is no contest of time...That hour is hard! & I can leave it sometimes, more tired than any 90 minute session.
Ok. Let's try again. This time quarters in my pocket- enough for several broken meters- I park and arrive at the studio.
Class begins. It's everything I need. And "AHA!" I know why I missed the earlier classes,
This particular class was with a teacher I never had before. A nice teacher, knowledgeable, smiley etc...but there was something missing. the class was great but the energy was low low low low low. It was the lesson I needed for my teacher training. At that moment. I have a lower voice. I could very easily fall into that type of sound. I don't want to do that.
Even though my intention is to go through the process of this yoga teacher training & probably use it towards my non profit projects & personal growth- I don't know if i plan to really teach in this setting. I am open to it. But I am not sure.
Through out my life, ever since puberty I have had strange struggles with public speaking. I lost my mo jo so to speak, literally, around 6th grade re: wanting to be the center of attention, and though I've been slowly getting it back through rigorous situations I put my self into to break out of it- old habits die hard or more specifically- old habits die a very slow motion, lingering death.
I've been in writing seminars to break me of this (when I was working on my MFA). I went to a monologue seminar in tribeca with my favorite actor/writer/monologuist Mike Daisy (with a bunch or 'real' actors), which was amazingly terrifying! I've been consciously living my best life over the last few years to be the 'real me'.
The real me who isn't afraid of presenting herself to a crowd. The real me who isn't self conscious. Because usually- most of the time- really seriously: usually, I am not self conscious.
I love working through this "stuff" and I am feeling lighter every day as a result.
I am thankful for this experience and every day is the best lesson!!!
I know who I am- and I need to let that shine, regardless of old habits. I am willing to change :)
I am feeling so great right now. The other day during teacher training we were all sitting around when Jenee was talking about reiki & meditation: the outside world was dark but lit by colorful lights and beams. The windows were fogged with our breath & heat- Outside sounds of 'after it rains- and cars were humming by. And I felt a blanket of pure contentmet.
SO, beautiful that I almost felt like crying- when you do at a wedding. The good kind. Like at the end of the Thorton Wilder Play 'Our Town' When Emily aks if humans ever appreciate their world- while they are in it.
Or for an easier example: when Annie & Daddy Warbucks reunite & tapdance the night away at the carnival.
Infact- I feel this well of contentment & pure joy: right now.
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