go with the flow

so the Universe is presenting me with some confusing new situations.
As you may recall- my boyfriend is in ct (where we are from) working at the restaurant he owns with his brother.
We decided for him to go back there because he was not enjoying his work life as a pizzeria owner. We sold the pizza place (after many convo's of "this is not where food is going!" led by me). It was long days & icky food. Nothing local- no flair or passion behind the dishes. We are strong and dedicated to our relationship and have been for 5 years now. The longer we are together the more I begin to wonder why we don't just get married- when he emotionally asks me after every wedding we attend :) So, we know in our hearts this temporary distance is nothing more than a blink.
G is a very good chef having worked in nyc and all over. He was slummin' with the pizzeria's up in Boston, of late.
Well, needless to say I was thinking of our mortgage & our superficial concerns when I sent him to ct. But I also wanted him to get back in touch with his family. I wanted this because I knew it was what he truly wanted. His mom, dad & 7 of his 9 brothers and 2 sisters live & work at this ct restaurant. I knew in my heart that the family needed some much needed reparation from his abrubt leaving 5 years ago (Looooong story- he left the family restaurant to start a restaurant with his ex- they split, she got violent, he & I moved to Boston & he left her the restaurant they had just opened- this took me a long time to forgive, since it was his life dream to open this restaurant & she seemed to reap the rewards of a failed relationship by being 'unruly' & crazy- needless to say his family couldn't forgive him either for leaving her the restaurant, as they were never married & she had a very violent past, whew! I wrote a screenplay about this if anyone wants to hear more). Any hoot! His Family & he are back and it is a true joy to see. He is making his favorite cuisine & is looking refreshed & less tired- more & more each day. He is himself again. Sometimes I think the universe- or he, himself was withholding his successes until he repaired the breaks with his family- as they are close bunch! I think he needed to grow on his own. But now I think it's time to return home..
I'm here in Cambridge- working and doing the yoga training. I've been in my own little world of contentment of late- but yesterday was a different kind of day. I visited G for the night- we were working on photo's to make a cook book for his restaurant. He is currently staying at his brothers house in the basement, which in suburbia is more like a garden level downstairs. Sleeping on the floor, temporarily. It is hard to visit. There is no 'place' to stay. I start to think about the idea of moving back home & I am stagnant. I try to figure out what to do with the home I own in Cambridge. That is in an 'upcoming' neighborhood & is such a wonderful little spot. I know that I could sell it and make a profit- or I can wait 2 or 3 years and really move ahead. I could also hold on to it forever as a rental..be careful of your possessions for they can own you..these annoying equations prance thru my mind.

When I am visiting ct, I go so far as to miss the color of the walls of my house in boston- which I know I could recreate any day. I miss my "walking' life of anonymity. I can walk anywhere & easily forget where my car is parked. Something unthinkable in the New Haven Continuum. I always want to say I <3 my pedestrian life, but the dictionary, not literal definition of 'pedestrian' as an adjective is: lacking enchantment with the present, or dull, I think that is hilariously ironic!!! I remember when I first moved here, how I would always say I missed the beach at home. So, I know that when we move we will be beachside- my favorite place to be.
But, I feel restless & unable to make up my mind.
I phoned G once I got back to Cambridge & we were talking about bills, or rather "I" was talking about bills and legal fee's he has coming up for some paperwork. He reminded me that this week he couldn't put his check in our bank account, He needed it for the lawyer. I don't know what happened but I started to cry. Even though I don't mind being here alone (I mean I have the kitten with me:) I felt the pressure of running our house- trying to uproot- working really hard to uphold our 'empire' of home, car- etc...& I started to cry. I just felt a little left flat. I know that worrying about the $ is counter productive and it wasn't that. Part of me feels like that little cry- was like a cleanse. So that I may move forward to the next chapter in our lives- without resentment. It made me realize that it isn't the bill paying that is satisfying. It also made me reflect that maybe I am going against the current- in my staying up here. My goals for my life- have always been to write, be creative with my projects and to one day, be a mom. Pretty Basic. Thankfully now, I have yoga on that list. I think I have the tools to be happy wherever I land.
When it comes down to it, life is pretty easy, if you allow it to be.
I think of us having children & of how happy and rich their family life would be with his clan and mine all round. I think about what do I really identify with in my adult life- and if it's just being 'away' from home then, there is way way way more that I need to acknowledge. I've been meditating for clarity and I can feel progress. But I think what I really need to do is reflect on my attachment- not only to the possession of the actual house- but the self that usually 'returns home' the expected baggage etc...Is it possible to still be me & return to the place I grew up? WHy is anonymity so important to me? WHo or what am I hiding from? I've been myself for years- why is this so threatening...When I know in my heat that I will be happy wherever I land. And most importantly: why isn't there a Prana Studio in New Haven connecticut!!! :)