I've been explaining my mother a lot to my live in boyfriend. He doesn't understand the crazy things she does and doesn't do. It makes him very upset ( I think in some strange mother hen way of trying to protect me or something). It is tiresome explaining the unexplainable to someone who loves you- probably just as much as your mother does.
He asked me last night "if she dies tomorrow will you be sad?"
I paused for a while and said yes, but I think I would be mourning many things. But also celebrating a beautiful life of memories.
Probably seems like a very strange question to pause for a while to answer. But, that's what happens when a parent devolves to being "mentally ill". I know that I would also be mourning the connection I never got to successfully make with her- post elementary school days.
I try to explain to my boyfriend all of the time what an amazing childhood I had with my mom. I compare it to my usually used Michael Jackson analogy.
Do you remember Michael Jackson from Thriller days? YES!!! wasn't he amazing!! he was untouchable. Kind of different, soft spoken. but this was pre- neverland ranch, skin disorder, Captain EO, ALLEGED child molestation charges, Mccauley Caulkin affiliation, and nose jobs.
It really is 2 different people, right? You can't associate the present Michael Jackson with the one of your youth.
That is how I feel about my mom. There are 2 different women in my life. The one who was my best friend growing up, rode bikes with me & was the most Beautiful woman in the world.
Then there is the woman today, I won't divulge the angsty details about what that is like- because it's of no importance. What is important is that even though the actions have changed, the intention is still the same.
I find myself telling my loving boyfriend that "she just doesn't know how to love someone" and yes, that is painfully true.
But, it makes me who I am. And I love who I am. It gives me strength to face the world and trials and pitafalls (I meant to write pit falls but I'm going to stick with pita falls)with a strong sense of self- because I have designed my self in response to this type of "mothering".
The beauty of this entire situation is that when it really comes down to the nitty gritty details- her intention is the same as when she was mothering me in the 80's. She wants the best for me. She loves me like no other. I am her only daughter.
I am a part of her. I learn in her lessons of not loving her self that I must do what is most important for me: to love myself in ways she never could.
Try to apply this thinking to both of your parents. Think of their intention when you recount every mistake they ever made; while parenting- that for some reason you can't let go of. It should fill your heart with the love they meant for you to feel. <3
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Point of no return
I never forget what a childhood friend of mine said after he learned to play the drums.
Well, I guess I forgot slightly as this is not a direct quote but more of a general gist:
music is forever changed- it will never be the same.
The breakdown doesn't ruin music- it just takes you to a place where you can't go back to not knowing.
Le Point of no return
And if you are still following me- this is how I feel about the reiki atunement. I've had hives, I've had a cold. I've had dreams and an increase of goosebumps- I usually thought all of my goosebumps just meant I should be a record producer or something (who would get chills when appropriate talent came in..) but I now seem to get them when I am recounting a story that is meaningful, listening to a particular song, more often than ever before.
(no locusts yet, so thats good)
The other thing that is changing with me is:
I really don't feel like drinking alcohol.
The same is true for meat. It's bizarre.
I liked having a couple of glasses of wine, a few beers, or a drink of any kind. I love to stay out late. I love loud music and doing those types of things. I thought I enjoyed the escape. But since the atunement. I'm not deliberately abstaining. I just don't want to.
It feels good. I have complete ownership of the following day & I just feel great. But, it kind of goes back to my sentiment in the very beginning of teacher training: it's lonely at the top.
So, to those of you who consider getting atuned for reiki energetic healing, here is your warning.
You may not like to do the things, you've convinced yourself to like.
You will also probably, start getting up much earlier and really feeling great, most of the time :)
Well, I guess I forgot slightly as this is not a direct quote but more of a general gist:
music is forever changed- it will never be the same.
The breakdown doesn't ruin music- it just takes you to a place where you can't go back to not knowing.
Le Point of no return
And if you are still following me- this is how I feel about the reiki atunement. I've had hives, I've had a cold. I've had dreams and an increase of goosebumps- I usually thought all of my goosebumps just meant I should be a record producer or something (who would get chills when appropriate talent came in..) but I now seem to get them when I am recounting a story that is meaningful, listening to a particular song, more often than ever before.
(no locusts yet, so thats good)
The other thing that is changing with me is:
I really don't feel like drinking alcohol.
The same is true for meat. It's bizarre.
I liked having a couple of glasses of wine, a few beers, or a drink of any kind. I love to stay out late. I love loud music and doing those types of things. I thought I enjoyed the escape. But since the atunement. I'm not deliberately abstaining. I just don't want to.
It feels good. I have complete ownership of the following day & I just feel great. But, it kind of goes back to my sentiment in the very beginning of teacher training: it's lonely at the top.
So, to those of you who consider getting atuned for reiki energetic healing, here is your warning.
You may not like to do the things, you've convinced yourself to like.
You will also probably, start getting up much earlier and really feeling great, most of the time :)
Friday, May 8, 2009
21 cleanse
what kind of cleanse? like a juice cleanse?
no, a sprit cleanse says our teacher.
what in de hell is that? i wonder.
oh, good. I hope I cry!!!!!!!
I love extremes & in betweens. I love grey days, & I super duper love a good rainy week of days. And I don't mind crying.
I'm not emo or angsty, I also love the beach and sun and fun and laughing (like everyone indicates on their social networking profiles) I just LIKE it all. Up down, around, grey area and in between.
The other day I had a bug out.
literally. Convinced that beatrice had flea's (kitten), turned into an idea that there were bed bugs, evolved into a weird dream where I dreamt of a spider - kind of like a black widow but not one, and woke up with spider bites all over me...so I thought.
Fogged, the house, bathed the cat, swept the floor, bought a new bedspread, you know the usual. haha!
But the weird thing was that my partner in sleep had no bites on him. I know, I'm sweet, but I assure you he's sweeter.
Wake up 3 days later. Bites all over my neck & throat. Right side. No, not bites, welts. call dr. go to doctor.
I saw a spider or 2, I think they are spider bites.
They're not spider bites. says my level headed clinical mannered doctor.
hmmm, I think. this must be all in my head (literally)
"are you stressed out? financially?"
uhh, yes??????? resounding I think
Then, she brought it back to my cat. told me I have hives, not bites & gave me a new inhaler and antihistimine.
I call my boyfriend and cry. Nothing crazy just few emotive tears.
I feel tired. slowly better....
Oh my dog. I think. Still not thinking about the cleanse.
Go to work. Co worker says this type of "bleedthrough" happens to her friend when she gets energy work done.
Still don't put it all together.
Throat, communication, right side
I go to my guru
good old louise hay.
Hives, making mountains out of molehills.
right side- masculine energy etc..father. the nina the pinta & the santamaria.
A very important side note would be that from 17-23 I was a shell of myself. Old friends are here to remind me. But people who know me now, would never believe the girl I was throughout those bleak years. I cringe when I think about them, but I know that they serve me my most valuable lessons. I feel like this strange bleed through is redeeming me a tiny bit from years of no communication and bad habits.
hmmm, my affirmation is "i bring peace to all the corners of my life"
I say it over and over at work. I write it on a piece of paper.
I go to yoga this morning.
I remember the 21 day cleanse.
some type of something. something like a pain, past, bad roddy rod piper- ghost of christmas past just jumped out of my neck.
Ahah!
no, a sprit cleanse says our teacher.
what in de hell is that? i wonder.
oh, good. I hope I cry!!!!!!!
I love extremes & in betweens. I love grey days, & I super duper love a good rainy week of days. And I don't mind crying.
I'm not emo or angsty, I also love the beach and sun and fun and laughing (like everyone indicates on their social networking profiles) I just LIKE it all. Up down, around, grey area and in between.
The other day I had a bug out.
literally. Convinced that beatrice had flea's (kitten), turned into an idea that there were bed bugs, evolved into a weird dream where I dreamt of a spider - kind of like a black widow but not one, and woke up with spider bites all over me...so I thought.
Fogged, the house, bathed the cat, swept the floor, bought a new bedspread, you know the usual. haha!
But the weird thing was that my partner in sleep had no bites on him. I know, I'm sweet, but I assure you he's sweeter.
Wake up 3 days later. Bites all over my neck & throat. Right side. No, not bites, welts. call dr. go to doctor.
I saw a spider or 2, I think they are spider bites.
They're not spider bites. says my level headed clinical mannered doctor.
hmmm, I think. this must be all in my head (literally)
"are you stressed out? financially?"
uhh, yes??????? resounding I think
Then, she brought it back to my cat. told me I have hives, not bites & gave me a new inhaler and antihistimine.
I call my boyfriend and cry. Nothing crazy just few emotive tears.
I feel tired. slowly better....
Oh my dog. I think. Still not thinking about the cleanse.
Go to work. Co worker says this type of "bleedthrough" happens to her friend when she gets energy work done.
Still don't put it all together.
Throat, communication, right side
I go to my guru
good old louise hay.
Hives, making mountains out of molehills.
right side- masculine energy etc..father. the nina the pinta & the santamaria.
A very important side note would be that from 17-23 I was a shell of myself. Old friends are here to remind me. But people who know me now, would never believe the girl I was throughout those bleak years. I cringe when I think about them, but I know that they serve me my most valuable lessons. I feel like this strange bleed through is redeeming me a tiny bit from years of no communication and bad habits.
hmmm, my affirmation is "i bring peace to all the corners of my life"
I say it over and over at work. I write it on a piece of paper.
I go to yoga this morning.
I remember the 21 day cleanse.
some type of something. something like a pain, past, bad roddy rod piper- ghost of christmas past just jumped out of my neck.
Ahah!
Monday, May 4, 2009
hmmm
can we talk about how since my reiki attunement hot yoga doesn't feel hot?
This evening I went to a class with my favorite partner T or better known as Maroon!
When class was over Alex (instructor) remarked how hot it was and that we should be sure to drink plenty of electrolites etc...
I was thinking to myself how I didn't even feel the heat at all.
The heated class felt....normal?
Maroon also told me that she noticed I wasn't even sweating.
harumph.
This evening I went to a class with my favorite partner T or better known as Maroon!
When class was over Alex (instructor) remarked how hot it was and that we should be sure to drink plenty of electrolites etc...
I was thinking to myself how I didn't even feel the heat at all.
The heated class felt....normal?
Maroon also told me that she noticed I wasn't even sweating.
harumph.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
next stop energy healing
A flow chart would goes as follows.
meditation begets yoga begets more meditation begets more yoga begets more meditation begets energy healing?
Went to Jene's reiki I workshop this weekend. I am now a certified energy healer. I thought I could only do level I on pets and myself but I can do it to people too. It was really interesting, powerful & poignant. After our atunement I felt like my eyes were polished and widened. LIke a frog or as jene' aptly compared- like a fly.
My periphri feels expanded and pronounced.
I did some work on the symptoms of my asthma before bed and awoke with more breath than usual. I feel like this is similar to when someone learns how to play the drums and music is forever changed. I think my perception is now, forever changed.
My dreams after the initial atunement were more vivid than usual. there was lots of water and the beach and water waves and some interesting people in it. I was in house with window panes and I know it is somewhere someday I will be.
Last night's dream was more specific. But involved sailing and a city where I've never been but ended up in while trying to reach Boston. there were 2 people whom I've been working on forgiveness with in this dream and i am slowly but surely starting to see more and more the true gift in forgiftness forgiveness.
Our atunements didn't go on without a hitch though. When we were doing energy work on our partners I could feel expansive heat from my hands onto my partner. When she did it to me I felt a coolness- like dead space on my head and forehead 1st 2 positions. As she moved along my body the heat picked up and it felt more healing like and hot.
After we were done she started to tell me that she felt intense sadness on my head (where I felt the coolness in her hands). I found this bizarre since I was buzzing happy high that entire day. Like elated. I don't know what she tapped into and was told that we have to be careful what is our own stuff and what is our client's. She went on to say that she saw what she thought of to be me with a bunny and a litte boy with a bowl cut when she touched my leg. I don't know much about that b/c my brother is a5 years younger than me and never had a bowl cut. I also never had a bunny or a stuffed animal for that matter- I was a blankey kind of girl! I know that there is some merit and truth in what she saw and experienced but I dont' see what it is right away. I felt a little bad that she had such an intense experience and know in my heat it wasn't my fault But couldn't help feeling sorry when the emotions stirred in her enough to make her cry afterward. I've had reiki several times and never had that happen before. I had to let go any guilt or sadness for her experience b/c I know it had nothing to do with me. Especially since the beauty of reiki is the flow of it all and how people can't really suck your energy during the process....hmmm. I don't know. Never a dull moment, I suppose.
meditation begets yoga begets more meditation begets more yoga begets more meditation begets energy healing?
Went to Jene's reiki I workshop this weekend. I am now a certified energy healer. I thought I could only do level I on pets and myself but I can do it to people too. It was really interesting, powerful & poignant. After our atunement I felt like my eyes were polished and widened. LIke a frog or as jene' aptly compared- like a fly.
My periphri feels expanded and pronounced.
I did some work on the symptoms of my asthma before bed and awoke with more breath than usual. I feel like this is similar to when someone learns how to play the drums and music is forever changed. I think my perception is now, forever changed.
My dreams after the initial atunement were more vivid than usual. there was lots of water and the beach and water waves and some interesting people in it. I was in house with window panes and I know it is somewhere someday I will be.
Last night's dream was more specific. But involved sailing and a city where I've never been but ended up in while trying to reach Boston. there were 2 people whom I've been working on forgiveness with in this dream and i am slowly but surely starting to see more and more the true gift in forgiftness forgiveness.
Our atunements didn't go on without a hitch though. When we were doing energy work on our partners I could feel expansive heat from my hands onto my partner. When she did it to me I felt a coolness- like dead space on my head and forehead 1st 2 positions. As she moved along my body the heat picked up and it felt more healing like and hot.
After we were done she started to tell me that she felt intense sadness on my head (where I felt the coolness in her hands). I found this bizarre since I was buzzing happy high that entire day. Like elated. I don't know what she tapped into and was told that we have to be careful what is our own stuff and what is our client's. She went on to say that she saw what she thought of to be me with a bunny and a litte boy with a bowl cut when she touched my leg. I don't know much about that b/c my brother is a5 years younger than me and never had a bowl cut. I also never had a bunny or a stuffed animal for that matter- I was a blankey kind of girl! I know that there is some merit and truth in what she saw and experienced but I dont' see what it is right away. I felt a little bad that she had such an intense experience and know in my heat it wasn't my fault But couldn't help feeling sorry when the emotions stirred in her enough to make her cry afterward. I've had reiki several times and never had that happen before. I had to let go any guilt or sadness for her experience b/c I know it had nothing to do with me. Especially since the beauty of reiki is the flow of it all and how people can't really suck your energy during the process....hmmm. I don't know. Never a dull moment, I suppose.
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