old habits

I can't do this.


I am realizing a few things about my self today. I've been doing this since I learned how to speak. Some people talk about panic attacks or anxiety. I have to admit that i don't know what that feels like. And if I do, I ignore it. What happens to my is something I will now name "cryxiety". Sometimes i get overwhelmed and when I am trying to make a point- feel like I am going to cry.
It chokes me up and I have done this since i was a kid.

It would happen in school when a teacher would yell at me, or if i didn't know an answer to something. I would get teary and though I tried to fight it- i would just cry. I remember my father would tell me, "you know, your argument would stand more ground if you decided to hold back the tears". Quite funny in hindsight but some unwanted advice at the time. It has always been this way and my sensitivity to the general public is embarrassing and has become a part of me. The opposing force of this anecdote is that I am a highly excitable enthusiastic person. think tigger from winnie the pooh or just imagine an 8 year old boy. a running joke is that my car contains enough sport and activity equipment for a day camp. Volleyball net, soccer balls, tennis rackets, wiffle ball bat, roller blades. there were tiki torches at one time. So what's with all this crying from this seemingly happy active person? Why all of these tears? Where is this sadness brewing and brimming as tears at the most in opportune times.

2 things (which will turn in to a milion)
1. I have a hard time believing in my self...I don't realize this when it is happening. there are other times where I am delusional and over confident. 2. And sometimes I just make up an excuses. My boyfriend lovingly asks me where do I keep all of my excuses- because I seem to have an answer to everything. I have been in the process of shedding these excuses and accepting my self as I am how I am- where I am. they are really just lies that i tell myself (but they are in the vehicle of an explanation to someone else).

I feel some of these flaws coming back during teacher training. Maybe it is the physical and mental exhaustion. Maybe it is the vulnerability of trying something so new- when you feel like you know so little. But these old habits are rearing their argumentative heads.

And now for the excuses:
I hurt my elbow and back at work on Friday. harumph!!!
I was also so sick the last 2 weeks that i have not been my physically fit self.
My boyfriend has been away for the last 2 weeks and i have been partaking in candy bar dinners.
(not the fuel for even a lackadaisical champion).
Though I did learn recently that most heroin addicts enjoy the same type of dinners.
and more:
I worked over 40 hours in from wed-friday at what is supposed to be my part time job. Why? because G gave his 2 weeks notice around thanksgiving from his old job- so that he and his brother could open a new restaurant in newlondon, ct.
There has been a small glitch in the passing of the papers and he hasn't been able to find a job. This is the slow season for my work so, I have been working like a loon. and though I am thankful for this opportunity to work, it's been rough.

Needless to say old habits die hard so I am going to stop right here.