it's the thought that counts

I've been explaining my mother a lot to my live in boyfriend. He doesn't understand the crazy things she does and doesn't do. It makes him very upset ( I think in some strange mother hen way of trying to protect me or something). It is tiresome explaining the unexplainable to someone who loves you- probably just as much as your mother does.

He asked me last night "if she dies tomorrow will you be sad?"
I paused for a while and said yes, but I think I would be mourning many things. But also celebrating a beautiful life of memories.

Probably seems like a very strange question to pause for a while to answer. But, that's what happens when a parent devolves to being "mentally ill". I know that I would also be mourning the connection I never got to successfully make with her- post elementary school days.

I try to explain to my boyfriend all of the time what an amazing childhood I had with my mom. I compare it to my usually used Michael Jackson analogy.

Do you remember Michael Jackson from Thriller days? YES!!! wasn't he amazing!! he was untouchable. Kind of different, soft spoken. but this was pre- neverland ranch, skin disorder, Captain EO, ALLEGED child molestation charges, Mccauley Caulkin affiliation, and nose jobs.
It really is 2 different people, right? You can't associate the present Michael Jackson with the one of your youth.

That is how I feel about my mom. There are 2 different women in my life. The one who was my best friend growing up, rode bikes with me & was the most Beautiful woman in the world.

Then there is the woman today, I won't divulge the angsty details about what that is like- because it's of no importance. What is important is that even though the actions have changed, the intention is still the same.
I find myself telling my loving boyfriend that "she just doesn't know how to love someone" and yes, that is painfully true.
But, it makes me who I am. And I love who I am. It gives me strength to face the world and trials and pitafalls (I meant to write pit falls but I'm going to stick with pita falls)with a strong sense of self- because I have designed my self in response to this type of "mothering".

The beauty of this entire situation is that when it really comes down to the nitty gritty details- her intention is the same as when she was mothering me in the 80's. She wants the best for me. She loves me like no other. I am her only daughter.
I am a part of her. I learn in her lessons of not loving her self that I must do what is most important for me: to love myself in ways she never could.

Try to apply this thinking to both of your parents. Think of their intention when you recount every mistake they ever made; while parenting- that for some reason you can't let go of. It should fill your heart with the love they meant for you to feel. <3